Wandering off

I turned my back upon myself
or rather on the me I want to be
I told myself the same old lies
just want a bit of shade I said
I won't wander off too far
then I did just as I knew I would

I turned my back upon the open skies
I walked towards the forest's edge
I looked, paused, then looked again
and then I ran into it's dark heart
seeking in it's black inky depths
the solace of temporary oblivion

What kind of madness is this
to pour pain upon yet more pain
do I honour myself so poorly still
it seems so, for I do not stop
not until awareness steals off
leaving me prone on the forest floor

And on awakening what do I find
wreckage all around and within
the me I have once again become
the one I'd hoped to leave behind
have I still so little resolve
that at every turn I turn and flee

Where then is my belief in hope
so frail it blows away in the wind
like the seeds on a dandelion head
delicate parachutes drifting by
is this how I determine my course
by following breezes fickle breath

I knew of your impending death
prepared for sadness to part company
leaving only grief in it's place
is this how I honour your memory
this is not what you would want
and yet somehow this is how I am.


  1. Get back on that horse dear friend. You fell off Jos, then get back off. Don't make it bigger than it is. You are bigger and better and I believe in you and not in the forest.

    Love Renee xoxoo

  2. On your tree sounds beautiful.

    It is a magnet.


  3. Good to see you again Jos. We didn't have nearly enough time did we? I didn't realize you would go so soon after the internmant I don't think I had anything like enough time to say cheerio. You looked so great tho you know? Gabby wouldn't want you to stay in this darkness would she? She loved the sunlight. Come on there Sticks we'll get thru. Love u. Jacks x

  4. Darling I have brought my rosary too. We are at stonehenge praying for your dear friend and for you and for me and Jacquie and my Mom.

    I believe in one God.......

    Our Father........

    Hail Mary full of grace........

    Love you and you are going to make it.

    Love Renee xoxoxox

  5. Renee dear heart. Thank you. It isn't more than it is. I have re-gathered the reins. Do you know, I now take my beads with me most places. Funny, they were tucked away in my jewellery box for so many years un-wanted, unseen. Yet another lasting gift you've given me. xox Jos

    Jacks, I'll email you matey and if you call me Sticks again I knock your block off! Hardeeharhar ... I can hear you laughing from here, and we both know I'd stand no chance anyway ... some things never change despite the passage of years. xox Sticks (oops!!!)

  6. old habits die hard. and the more you practise the new, what you know you should, the easier it will become... and then you'll be able to honour yourself as you should.

  7. i don't think gabby would have under-estimated how hard it was for those left behind. from the tiny bit i know of her she would have totally understood the need for numbness from the pain. she would have wanted you to be the whole you, not just the shiny bits. much love, jos. you are strong and good and you will be ok. it just takes time.

  8. no matter the direction
    nor the speed
    none of us
    can run from ourselves.

    and death, the loss of someone so dear, it is rooted in us. can't run from that either. but as it roots and grows, it does become something new.

    in the forest on the floor, you found that you are human after all. you have a beautiful human.

    much love
    pull from the holidays to sustain yourself
    and thank you for the thoughtful card...i received only three cards this year but wouldn't you know it, three beautiful women bloggers...you, renee and marion (who i think you have yet to meet...through renee)

  9. "I told myself the same old lies
    just want a bit of shade I said
    I won't wander off too far
    then I did just as I knew I would"

    The first part of this especially was so familiar to my being....my exact experience, holding dark in tight embrace does not relieve the pain. Ah, but so often we think it does. Sorry for your loss, your pain. May Christmas bring some spot of merriment.


  10. Merry Christmas darling friend.

    Have the most wonderful time with your sister and her family.

    You are so lucky to be blessed by being around children on Christmas, I will too and nothing is better.

    Love you so much dear Jos.

    Love Renee xoxoxo

  11. Darling I just read your comment and no I didn't realize because I am so dense.

    But I am smart on people and I know that you are going to be alright. I have tremendous faith in you darling.

    Love Renee xoxo

  12. Wow, do I understand every word of this one. Can't stop nodding and amening. Same old rain-same old me. They were all right after all. But thanks for putting it in such delicate form. ~rick

  13. What a treat, I am so happy.

    Jos you are beautiful. I knew you would be. Isn't it funny how you have a sense of someone and then there they are.

    So it is nice to see that you are brains and beauty too.

    How was Chritmas did you have fun with the kids.

    I wanted to tell you I told my Mom how you said the rosary at Stonehenge and Jos, you would have just melted, she started to cry and said to bless you. And I do, I do bless you.

    Love Renee xoxo

  14. I love the shark story, how adorable.

    Now there is no time like the present to make sure you write something for your wonderful sister.

    Love you.

    Renee xoxo

  15. You've been doing some thinking!

    xoxo.. did I do that right?

  16. You are turly lovely Jos.

    Love Renee xoxo