I will be heard

There are too many things I do not understand
like why you say this when you actually mean that
and why it is that you act one way just for now
but quite another when all that has changed
is the name of the day or the people present

If you and I can not be real when we are alone
then what is the point in carrying on with this
and what is it that we should call this anyway
does marriage encompass or does it just constrain
am I stopping you from doing what it is you want

When will it be that my needs get a fair hearing
or is it that they just don't bear comparing
with the almighty weight of the burdens you carry
whereas I obviously trip through life as if it were
nothing more serious than a gentle stroll in the park

You mistake my attempts to minimise complexity
as the ravings of a completely niaive simpleton
and yet you have to know that I am anything but
or are you in truth actually trying to imply
that your taste in life companion runs that way

Because if that be the case I have bad news for you
for I will no longer be this acquiescent person
that agrees with the disagreeable to keep the peace
and your filthy temper is not going to quell me
I will be heard long after you've stopped listening

My heart

There is a tipping point
between continuing to withhold
and letting go
my head and heart war
over this

I hesitate to speak of it
to make even that small commitment
towards change
having travelled so far
along this road
why am I not
further on

I counsel patience to myself
speak peaceful thoughts to my heart
trying to still the trepidation
that lies therein
I never seem able to make sense
of the vast disparity
between desire and need

Do you ever dream of running
towards or away from some place
but however much effort you expend
you remain rooted to the spot
or feel caught in the spotlight
of your own scrutiny
knowing you'll always come up short

Is it possible to learn grace
or must we wait for it emerge
from the fires of some further tribulation
can I not learn from the things
already consigned to the past
or the present
where should I look first

I look to my heart
but the vestibule is so cluttered
with this confusion of feelings
I dare not trust it
having been led so far astray
by the vagaries of words said
but never truly meant

And so I look to my head
and there I find a sense
so difficult to deny
impossibly so because
my heart
you see it's my heart
I fear it will betray me still

So far from my heart

If I look up quickly enough
or turn my head suddenly
without any warning
perhaps I'll catch you unawares
perhaps then I will see you
or at least some essence of you
just one drop

In crowds I catch sight of you
I forget it's not possible
so my heart pounds
as my mouth dries
I want so much to believe
the evidence of my own eyes
even if they lie

I thought of you today
for no particular reason
wanted to pick up the phone
hear one of your stupid jokes
swap stories, shoot the breeze
just to listen to your voice
feel it's warmth

If I stop missing you one day
if this ache eases somewhat
will it mean you are any further
beyond the great divide
how big is eternity anyway
that it should take you so far
from my heart

The fluttering of wings

I've been thinking again of angels
infinity whispering thoughts in my ear
it started in the breeze of late summer gone
we'd gathered to celebrate 80 years of life
with our much loved father and step-father
grandfather and great-grandfather
a man of many lines of his own account

He'd written verse to mark the special day
referring in it to the imminence of parting
his fear and sadness in that contemplation
were clear in his face and heard in his tremble
it moved my heart deeply to think on it
resolved me more than ever to listen carefully
to make good the time we have in the present

My mother too has started giving things away
small items but significant in meaning
this is not something generally of her nature
being a woman from whom much has been taken
she tallies her gifts and rights carefully
neglecting to nurture her spirit she locks her heart
still, I hope that my love will find it's way home

So it seems that they are both in their own way
preparing now for final departure
how heavy my heart is at the prospect
so go my thoughts down the shadowy track
how will life trundle on when I am an orphan
I can almost hear the fluttering of wings
as ageless angels start to gather 'round

It never hurts to have a think about stuff

The last few days have been sooooo busy. The festive season is nearly done and things will soon be back to "normal".

Yesterday was what we have come to know as Second Christmas. When my sister first came to live with us all those years ago now, she wasn't able to have her daughter on that first Christmas Day. Such a difficult time for her. Thus the plan for a second celebration day was hatched. It is now a tradition that has lasted 15 years in our family. Every year we arrange a day when most of people that we love and care about are free to come over. It's a different day each year but we designate that as second Christmas.

It's a day of laughter, present giving, eating (groan), and general merry making. By tradition the presents are small. This year for example I got a candy cane, the guide from a box of chocolates (no chocolate), a packet of sunflower seeds, a slip of paper with a joke on it, a pretty piece of ribbon, a crossword puzzle cut from a newspaper, a box of long cooks matches, a guitar pick, and a bookmark. Perfect.

And games ... we have games galore! Charades, murder, squeak piggie squeak, pass the bomb (my personal fave), football, trivial pursuit ... Oliver beat me at noughts and crosses (tic-tac-toe) for the first time ever. Another milestone.

So on to the new year and although I am not a great fan of resolutions I thought I might change that habit amongst others. After all, it never hurts to have a think about stuff ... or maybe it does.

Allegra continues to be seriously ill. There has been some improvement but it's impossible to know what the future holds. I continue to pray as I know do others.