My heart does not lie

I don't know what to say
how to tell you that this
has not been some huge lie
our life so far together
and yet I must say something

So I will tell you only this
I love you, I always have
from that first moment
when your eyes softened
looking straight into mine

I wish so many things
that my past was different
no, not to spare me but you
for you suffer consequences
unintended and undeserved

You know I never thought
I would ever be with anyone
can you imagine the journey
taking me from there to here
to being here with you my love

If I regret anything at all
it's that I've not been enough
in pretty much every sense
insufficient in my deeds
and yet never in my heart

Have you?

Have you ever
given yourself
into the arms of
in complete

Have you?

How did it

A little bit sad

Such a strange thing this ... your superior smile
telling me that I'm naive beyond your credulity
but what if I tell you that it's by my own choice
that I have chosen to trust rather than the opposite

You tell me that this hurt is then my own fault
for being unable to read the underlying signs
that lie between the lines of what’s said and unsaid
askance at my incomprehension of the obvious

It seems beyond belief that I do not understand this
unless you understand that I do not see as you do
so signs need to be high up and fluorescent bright
not asides that apparently any idiot would pick up on

Purposeful naivety, is there a specific word for it
probably not, so maybe I should create one of my own
for I own to this approach with my whole heart
and I would rather be hurt than be the cause of it

If you need to be smart to understand all this stuff
then leave me in my ignorance so I can find friends
that do not scorn and scoff at my attempts to integrate
and since when was laughter such a potent weapon

I see your wry grin as you state that I am just childish
whereas I'd say I am child-like which is not the same
for I've had the benefit of many long years of living
in which to learn and understand what's important

And although your good opinion of me would be nice
I'd rather stand tall under the gaze of my own estimation
than whither inside trying to pay the price to meet yours
so I'll aim to remain child-like in whom I choose to trust

Even though the price might be more times like these
when ridicule will aim it's sharp arrows at this soft target
I know the price paid for a hard outer shell is even higher
which makes it funny in a way, and just a little bit sad too.

Seven Years of Wisdom

I do love our celebration days
the gathering of everyone together
the colour and ceremony of it all
cake, balloons, games, family & friends
and today watching you glow
the centre of all of our attention
present opening gone in a flash
wrapping paper flying ... oo's and ah's
so often now these days
I am conscious of your wisdom
more so than you are of course
since you've so much to think about
and not that much of it wise at all
such is the nature of this age
what more could I expect
and I don't, since I remember well
the ebb and flow of thoughts and dreams
beliefs subsequently undone by events
that don't concur with your conjecture
but whilst not quite matching up
don't cause huge consternation either
such is the wisdom of seven years.
Years in which you've learnt much
and I much too alongside you
discovering through your eyes
a new kind of wonder at it all
somehow despite your young age
I sometimes think that you teach
lessons I could learn nowhere else
and what of the pillars of wisdom
gathered over these seven years.
First and foremost acceptance of love
both in the giving and in the receiving
creating certainty and a sense of safety
I love the assumption that all is well
as long as one of us is alongside
so on to the second which is trust
freely given and even in the breach
not quite so freely but still, forgiven
fallibility not a cause for derision
and on to the third, simple enjoyment
in running down a hill too fast
at spinning around until giddy
in sitting on a swinging gate chatting
in finally getting a kite off the ground
taking the training wheels off your bike
jumping from the top diving board
well ... too many other things to list
on to the fourth which is gratitude
demonstrated in a sudden hug
a handmade card or a painted picture
a grasp of the hand and a swing about
a twinkling of eyes across the room
fifth is in the seizing of the moment.
There is rarely a better time than now
in which to start having more fun
chores nearly always get done in the end
especially the ones turned into a game
there is a time for work, but also for play.
Sixth is trying even when you're not sure
how do we know without giving it a go
and how many times have I watched you
overcome some overwhelming trepidation
only to turn with that gigantic smile
that comes from such accomplishments
and finally we come on to the seventh
which is back to where we started.
I just love the way that you wonder
and are so often filled with wonder
is this not the very foundation of wisdom?
Altogether this makes you a very wise boy.

Happy Birthday Oliver. I love you. Always.

Me (in 55 words)

oh god ... well
if I only knew
the reason for that
then I could change it
alter myself
so instead of being
an individual
as I am
even so
I could be
or maybe not
what matters here
is the difference
but it's not to be
not yet
I'm just


Is complexity compromised
by our desire to break it down
to simplify into basic concepts
in order to gain an understanding
or does it steadfastly maintain
it’s inherent nature despite us

Recently I have been thinking
about why I feel the need
to break complexity down
knowing as I do that the whole
is made up of so much more
than the sum of it’s parts

Even so the whole is too vast
and trying to encompass it
has made my brain sorely ache
both in an effort to understand
and in regret at my poor efforts
leaving me here in my ignorance

Perhaps it is better to accept
than to strive for understanding
but can we change our own nature
if questioning is deeply ingrained
is it necessary to subjugate it
fleeing instead to a form of faith

Is faith based on a fleeing from
as valid as that of a fleeing towards
does The Maker look kindly on us
in such circumstances as these
being able to see the whole as it is
in all of it’s glorious complexity

Does anything change it’s nature
under the influence of mere observation
surely only our perceptions change
as we move from one standpoint
hoping that the next will in turn yield
epiphany, revelation, perhaps even faith.


Can I just explain?

It's such a strange thing. Often my most optimistic posts are written on the cusp of a sudden descent into the ever present darkness that pervades my life. Hence I posted about my late night bath time ... closely followed by the poem below. Which I then withdrew this morning. Part of my ongoing battle perhaps.

The bath time events described occurred a few weeks ago when I was staying over at my beloved sisters' place. I am so lucky to have an opportunity to be an auntie, something that brings me more joy than I can hope to describe. The chance to give love without the blessing/burden of parental responsibility. Priceless.

And yet ... and yet. There are times when I feel so totally desolate. Times when I feel that all that I am was defined long ago. When unspeakable things were done ... things I saw, things I experienced, things I did.

Don't tell me that just because I was a little girl it doesn't count. It counts. I broke trust with my brother. It counts. It does.

And so ...


I want you to know
the nature
of my brokenness

When I was small
I met a man
a monster man

He did things
unspeakable things
which I watched

And then was watched
by my brother
we locked eyes

I willed him through
it was not enough
it never is

And somehow now
I can't unlock
from these things

Night games

"What in heavens name is going on here?"
it's the exact tone from my childhood
whipping my head around knowing I won't see
my mother resplendent there in her ire
those ancient towering rages with hissing lips
and hands itching to do their own damage

No when I turn my head I just see her
my sister, and so parody comes to play
I look over at William but he's no help
he knows I'll take the fall for whatever it is
he always has the perfect alibi that one
he just shrugs waiting to see what'll unfold

We're sitting in the bathtub at 2 in the morning
I 'm torpedoing our frogmen with bath balls
whilst William is making not-so mini tsunamis
resulting in some splash-out unnoticed by me
well at least until a proper grown up arrives
causing the mantle of responsibility to re-settle

Funny really, it all started innocently enough
as pretty much all of these things do I find
with a squeaky creak of the door in the dark hours
"Jos I've been sick and it's all everywhere"
an altogether accurate assessment as it turns out
he looks like he's been dipped in a vat of vomit

Well the only solution presenting itself to me
is a wash down with a hot soapy sponge
followed by tucking us in the folds of my bed
ha, such expedience is to be denied however
"we need a bath, I want a bath with you Jos"
such imperiousness as only 4 year olds weild

Negotiations thence commenced in earnest
I want assurances of near deathly quiet
and I want first go with the blue frogman
as it's the only one that works as it should
and I want to sit at the tap end with my legs out
because I don't like being squished at one end

After due consideration we compromise
I get the tap end with it's extra depth and warmth
but I have to keep my legs up my own end
which sounds anatomically impossible
but let's gloss over that for the moment
I do at least win first go with the blue frogman

So you see, it wasn't my irresponsibility at all
that led to merry splashing in the early hours
a complete drenching of the bathroom floor
an instant reneging on the deathly quiet promise
I'm completely unable to compose a serious face
as I try to explain how this wasn't my fault.


Measures have their counter-measures
as arguments do their counter-points
why do we strive so for balance
how much do we give of ourselves
in this endless battle to deny change

Is it instinctual this form of resistance
a feature of having too fearful a nature
a lack of courage in times of flux
building our constructs, one upon another
in an ultimately vain attempt to prevent

Even so change comes in it’s own time
sweeping aside these puny defences
from our carefully regimented lives
leaving us at the mercy of uncertainty
an age old foe fashioned long ago

In memories born during our childhood
a time when we learnt of such perils
how a slipping of a hand-hold barely noticed
results in frantic searching amongst the crowd
finding only strangers faces all around

Shouting with increasingly panicked voice
only to discover that the reason
we have not been heard is that our voice
so loud inside our own head is there only
as we stand frozen, silently screaming

So it is that we learn of changes deft swiftness
the silent approach catching us unaware
plunging us from here to god knows where
with such abandon are we thus abandoned
to the vagaries of a now unfamiliar land

A place where we must learn new ways to be
avoiding the pitfall, a temptation to fall prey
to that urge to re-create in some small way
the familiar feel of our now redundant past
for what was, now no longer is. It has changed.


I get scared by my thoughts
do you?
I've been doing that thing
I sometimes do
looking in the mirror
staring into my eyes
how to be braver
to just step off

Been thinking of jumping
know what I mean?
I keep finding myself clenched
and this tightness is tiring
which adds to it
this sense of why not
which scares me
into writing it down here
my lifeline


Are you lost?


Why , where are you?


... and where is here?

here is here

OK, but where are you?

I am where you dare not go

Which is where?

where I am