Didn't we both?

He has been re-visiting me in my dreams
some things just do not let go I guess
monster men are like that though, they stay
so he comes back uninvited into my thoughts
but why? I wish I knew, I can not say
a certain kind of smile, a dead eyed look

I wonder if it is the same way for you
sitting there surrounded by 4 white walls
injected with some prescription oblivion
will we ever be free, can you find hope
how do you slay monsters from the past
if I knew how, well bloody hell, I'd tell you

I remember looking at you with him too
didn't we lock eyes just to see us through
when he made us do such unspeakable things
did we not seal some sort of pact back then
to not allow this to define the us we'd become
somehow we're letting him control us still

Brendan, I love you, do you know what I mean
I know how it is, I remember it all too well
you were a small boy, with no understanding
and I an even smaller girl with some I suppose
except I had none, can you know things so young
I knew how to keep quiet though, didn't we both?

I would ... heal us both ... if I only could.


  1. Why are you doing this? There is no place for you in the past. Is there? I want you to stay here. Sticks we need to stay here. Jacks x

  2. Perhaps the past
    comes back
    to make you know
    just how much
    you need to be
    in the present.

    I sit here a very long time to try to know what to write next and I don't. I don't know. But there will be a next. There will always be a next. Let that be balm.

    xo to you Jos
    hold tight
    love erin

  3. The children of the knowing...we know silence, we know stealth, and we know far more at far too young an age. And we know bad...the bad man, the bad thing, the bad time, the bad smell, the bad touch. Our hearing is exceptional, so as to hear the oncoming, to avoid the unavoidable if even for a moment. To prepare for what cannot be anything but a surprise the 30th time.

    And yet, here we are on the other side. Children of the knowing. Knowing silence and therefore the beauty of laughter. Knowing more than anyone at our age ever could, thus wise. Scarred here and there, sure...but we have the smooth places that only we can touch...smooth like rocks that have tumbled for ages about the ocean floor. Only children of the knowing have smooth like that.

    Hold tight, you and Brendan. Hold tight to the rest of us Children of the knowing....touching smooth. Blessings.

  4. Jacks you're right. I am here. Now.

    Annie, you don't know how sorry it makes me feel to know that you know such things. I wish it were not so ... god how banal that sounds. There is so much comfort in your words. Shared understanding, similar scars but hopefully similar appreciation for being on the other side.

    Erin, by the same token I'm glad, so very glad that you do not know. And yet, again I find such comfort from your words too. The present is such a gift, something not to be squandered by dwelling elsewhere in my mind.

    Thank you. xx Jos

  5. jos, hold on, both for yourself and brendan, and for all the others. and hold your smooth stone to calm you.

  6. i'm quite speechless. this feels like something i experience every now and again, about how the past intrudes into the present. unwanted. without invitation. all i can say to you, be strong!

  7. I love you Jos.

    I hate that bastard. I hope that he is dead.

    I believe that you are and always were incredible. And had you and Brendan been 8 feet tall too, he would have been crushed under your heels.

    Love Renee xoxo

  8. Sorry Joker (re deleted comment)... forgot something there. Yes I have it, and it does help, every day.

    Shadow, you ease my heart. You do. I believe your heart is larger than most too.

    Renee, yes he's dead. Last year for the first time I saw a therapist (OK 40 years is not so long to wait ... yay ... decisive me!). Her diagnosis? I have a problem with anger. A lack thereof. She asked me what I thought when I thought of him ... I said "I think he was in pain too". Monsters are made ... they do not happen. I might be wrong though. xx Jos

  9. Oh Jos you are loving and good and that is why you are better than me and the therapist combined.

    I don't think he is worth our spit.

    You are wortth everything.

    I love how you have taken care of your niece and yes, your dear Charlotte you would have been amazing.

    Happy New Year and we are all thrilled that you will be praying at stonehenge.

    I received your card yesterday and it is totally me.

    Love Renee xoxo

  10. What a wonderful description of you and a moon (a blue one) and some stones.

    Magic, pure and simple.

    Love Renee xoxo

  11. jos, i am new to you and your blog but i understand the anguish, and i understand the difficulty in letting love go, even love that harms. grief has its own timetable. i keep telling myself that.

    i want to take some time with your poetry. i love that you write poems.

    and i love coming here and witnessing your friendship with renee. that is a gift all by itself.

    jacks is right of course....but easier said than done.

  12. This is wonderful and evocative writing here, Jos. I came here via Through the Back Door, and the Thin Red Book. I love this form of writing, yours and hers. Thanks for starting your blog. I shall revisit often, all the way from Australia.

  13. Goodmorning darling. I am on steroids and I just want to have a sleep. So tired.

    Okay, you are more observant, I didn't realize we were talking about angels again and now I see it.

    Goodnight angel.

    Love Renee xoxo

  14. I love this picture of you, you have the nicest eyes and beautiful smile.

    Love Renee xoxo