Hoping for a better past

It's not that often that something
changes in a fundamental way
the way I think on things generally
but have a read of these simple words
are you still hoping for a better past?

Oh my word well yes sir I still am
and now you come to say it like that
I see in a way I just couldn't before
how bloody ridiculous such wishing is
but where does it leave me (you) now?

I guess I'd have to say thinking again
no, not experiencing past pain afresh
thinking again on the nature of hope
a way to leave it all behind, move on
to a life without the burden of regret

Now that I have finally come to realise
each re-visit has this wish contained
an impossible dream, a different result
and yet I am so almost whole, even so
so why do I nurture the fractures then?

Is it a form of lazy narcissism at play
wallowing in pain used as an excuse
for not appreciating what's here, now
when what I feel now is so unworthy
to just enjoy ... to even to feel ... joy.

Missing you

I was all right
well sort of
then you hugged me
and I fell apart
that's what happens
when you show

I know that I already
said it undoes me
because it does
and I'm left here
trying to find a way
to make it OK
but it isn't

So I'm left with
shame and pain
not your intent
which adds to it
see I do understand
but I can't help
to put it right

Except in this way
to do it here
in my safe place
where I can write
what I can't say
so many things
like I miss ... you


I fell
and the mirror
the shards dug in
deepest red flowed
the image changed
and I saw

And what I saw
is how I felt
for the first time
what I saw
was what is
on the inside
now outside