Memories of faith

I think perhaps our view of death changes as we become more intimately acquainted with it. We are so flawed ... each and every one of us. To ask a human to reflect fully the nature of The Divine is surely to ask the impossible. That does not in itself change the nature of The Divine ... should such an entity exist.

I remember what faith felt like. I remember believing with (what I believed was) all of my heart. I was quite happy in my naivety as only teenagers can be. Faith seemed to me to be a simple choice. I chose to believe and in so doing I took a leap of faith. Thus I started the process of building a construct in my mind hinged upon certain inviolable truths.

The problem was twofold. The truths were not inviolable, and the builder wasn't either. The construct was too flimsy. It could not and did not withstand the batterings of Real Life. As the construct destructed a ground zero was created where once there had been the semblance of faith.

I am flawed. The people around me are flawed. Should I believe what they say? Should they believe me? The way we compensate for this "flawed-ness" is beyond me. There are too many things one can choose to believe in ... a menu of faiths too long and too complex exists to confuse and confound ... and yet there exists this yearning to believe.

I was watching a movie recently. The teacher in this movie was holding a cup of tea. He poured the tea onto the table and some of it dripped onto the floor. It was still tea. It had not changed it's nature by escaping the confines of the cup. He used this as an analogy for the life force that exists within us. It does not change when we die, it merely escapes the confines of our body.

Analogies always break down eventually under the pressure of ever closer scrutiny. Their purpose is not to withstand such scrutiny but to open our minds to new ways of thinking.

Some days I feel almost as if mum is watching over me. I imagine that I can hear her voice in my mind and I think I know what she is going to say before I hear the words. Very much as I did when she was alive. It still seems inconceivable to me that all of her is just gone. That there isn't something left over in some form beyond our collective memories of her.

I wish that what I used to believe could be made more believable so that I could once again take shelter in faith. Real life batters the heart that's for sure.

The chemistry of tea is interesting.  Check this out;  The Chemistry of Tea


  1. Jos, I wish I knew what to say. I can tell you I understand because age changes the lens of things and the hard parts are not so much random and isolated but become an unavoidable part of life. That is not what I prefer to believe: accepting that life is hard

    So I'm not the best comfort on this but I can tell you something else I've learned: trust yourself and the rest can be managed. Trust yourself and you no longer worry about who you should or shouldn't trust. My faith leans on my life so far: things get better, problems come and go, the people we love never leave if only because we carry them inside and that 's the way it is

    I am going on and on because I want you to feel better. Really, I should just say I'm walking with you and tonight we will see a sunset. Hang in my beloved friend...


  2. Jos, I am with Kj on this, trust yourself. If I could I would give you my faith, since I was very young and going through the horrors of abuse I had faith in a source of spirit. I felt it and it was strong and I have never lost faith in it even though, like all of us I have learned that the good and bad often comes bundled together in the same package. Life can suck and often does. I wish I could send you this faith or help you believe it. I know for sure that death is not the end, I believe your mum lives on and not just in your heart, can I prove it, no, but I KNOW it. But failing having this faith you can always trust in your self, in your heart, it is true and sweet. You can also believe that I love you dear friend though we have never met (yet), sending you much love and many hugs. I hope this helps. xoxo

  3. Oh yes a sunset walk would be lovely KJ. One of these days ... and I appreciate the words and the thoughts behind those words but most of all I appreciate our friendship. It matters to me.

    Annie I do believe you, the depth of our friendship is something I am VERY sure about. Always.

    I wish the Atlantic was a much smaller ocean! xx Jos

  4. hearts cannot be told what to do, think, feel, believe. Hand in hand with the mind, walking as two lovers with an argument on their lips. Heart and mind will at some point lay down in agreement. I suppose that would be peace. For many of my issues they are still standing in the battle between, the schoolyard called life. A absolutely believe your mom's soul lives on, within you and outside of you. It hurts, a testament to how much you loved her.

  5. I don't believe in heaven and hell but I do believe that this life is but one part of our journey. I believe that we are all part of the divine, each one of us caring a spark of that divinity within us. I don't know what happens after death but I do know that one day I will find out. And my mum, she still exists in my mind, my memories. I miss her still. She was not a great listener and I didn't tell her my secrets because overshared with my siblings but I miss her. I still want to phone her, still want to hear her laugh. Sending hugs.


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