A Pavlova

The reproduction isn't great but then this photo is over 70 years old! This is my mother as a young girl. I like this picture. It's the one we used for the final page on her funeral order of service. Can you see that stubborn chin and mouth configuration? Maybe it's just that I see what I see.

It's just over 8 weeks since I held my mothers hand and looked into her eyes as she died. Dying is not how they depict it in the movies. Maybe it is though and Mum just decided to die differently from all those others ... it wouldn't surprise me that!

What has surprised me is how I am feeling about things. I still cry first thing in the morning, last thing at night and at odd times during the day. I still feel wobbly and unsure of myself on an emotional level just generally. In other words I feel like I am not coping as well as I should be.

I don't know how to make it better ... maybe because I can't make it better. Grieving is hard that's for sure.

Yesterday we celebrated Oliver's 10th birthday. This is his Big Sister Kate with the rather magnificent pavlova she made for the occasion. Oliver has good taste when it comes to cake / pudding / whatever you want to call it. As long as you can put candles on it, it's all good.  My Little Sister Kath is her mum and is standing beside Kate ... Kath is also Oliver and William's mum and the best sister in the whole wide world. The pavlova was totally scrumptious. Macerated strawberries inside which you can't see but created a cloud inside of pink loveliness.

Despite the sadness there is also joy and life carrying on. John was with us for the day which I'm very happy about. He doesn't like pavlova ... can you imagine that? At least he loves us! We love him too. William is being especially nice to his Grandad. Small children understand more about grief than we sometimes give them credit for. Amazing how a hand hold can be more comforting than any words could hope to convey.

Oh and one other photo just because this one makes me smile. Kaths three children all together.  William (eyes closed aged 7), Oliver aged 10, Kate aged perfect.


  1. Jos,
    What a beautiful family! I can see the stubborn chin :-).
    Tomorrow it is 9 months for me since my mother passed.
    I can tell you it smooths out and gets easier, though the tears still come, just not everyday. There is no right and wrong with grieving, but you can't go around it you must go through it. The strangest thing for me was that life does go on and you have to find a way to keep pace.
    Be good to yourself dear girl. I think of you daily and I am always sending love. Big, giant hugs. xoxo

  2. That last photo would melt a mountain!

    I honestly did not know life would be so sad and hard and uncertain. I don't think my 35 year old daughter knows this and I would guess these three beautiful children don't know either. Maybe the deeper and fuller we love, the more we feel the tug of loss.

    Jos, my 97 year old mother calls out to her Mother in her sleep and when she is confused. I become her sister Betty. You and I and Annie and Allegra are real deal friends even through we have never breathed the same air . You cry for the loss of your mother and I do too, despite different planes of reality.

    What is the sense of it. Love. Simply totally love

    'Thanks for the privilege, jos.' Ah, Renee too. Now how in the world did she teach us so much?

    Love love

  3. It's been three and a half months and I still cry, just about everyday. Not for long but it's always there just under the surface and if anything scratches the surface, up it bubbles. The past week there has been a lot of scratching and a lot of bubbling.

  4. I wouldn't want to die as expected either. Might as well go out unique. I'm so sorry for your loss Citrus. Grief is soooo ever long!!!! But somehow we manage. Having loving family around must be helpful. Love you!

  5. Oh Jos...I am late to come to these posts... as you know, my Mum died in 1984...and I miss her still, dream of her still..wish she was physically here so we could hug each other. Life DOES go on... amazingly...it does... you have such a wonderful, beautiful family..and they will absorb all the wonder that makes you Jos....and yes, your Mum's spirit flows through you all.it It sounds trite - but - there WILL be good and bad days..

    As KJ said, Renee taught us so much....wise woman that she was... and we ALL embrace you with our love... it counts for so much...

    Always here for you, my dear,


    ♥ Robin ♥

  6. I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your Mother. Yes, we all do the best we can while raising our children, our Moms included. It has been 4 months since my own mother's passing. Even though her passing was expected, I found that when it finally happened, I had to literally "sit with it" for a good month, just sitting, remembering, forgiving and asking for forgiveness, out loud I would speak to her. I now know that what I always believed to be true...that in the end, only the love remains. May you continue to feel her loving presence.

    **blows kisses**

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