Time Passes

It seems my time is less and less my own these days. I know it won't be like this always though. I shudder at the thought because the time is coming when the reason I'll have more time is because Mum is no longer with us.

It's been a strange time ... a healing time too altough that seems utterly ludicrous given the ravages cancer is visiting upon my mothers body. Her mind remains very much her own though, a blessing of huge value to us all.

In the lead up to Easter Mum was taken into the hospice. Family members were informed and in response to the clarion call my brothers hot-footed it with their families to England from their far flung homes in Canada and the US.

It's odd to be spending time as a full family again. Whilst most of us are close to my eldest brother my middle brother has cut himself off entirely from me for the last 20 something years, been out of touch with Mum for at least 15 years and remained in only the barest of contact with my sister during the last 10 years or so. Thus the dynamics are strange and somewhat uncomfortable but that's to be expected. What's encouraging though is that we are able to engage with one another as adults ... no re-hashing those ancient pointless animosities nor wilfully opening old wounds ... just kindness and tolerance. We are all so very different from one another and yet finally that seems to no longer be such a cause of conflict. For all of our sakes I am glad.

I am spending long hours with Mum, sometimes with other family members but more often just the two of us. I time my visits for later on in the day ... a time when she would otherwise be alone waiting for someone to come with food, bath or meds before bed. It can be a lonely time for someone unable to move from bed to chair let alone make her way to the communal areas where company might be sought. We spend time chatting, but more and more we end up sitting quietly. We are healing our bond in words and in silence.

I love my mother. I wish this were easier for her. I hope the end comes in a peaceful way.


  1. Me too Jos. A peaceful end with a minimum of pain. It's strange how big life shifts can open the doors to communication and connection. With my own brother, divorce brought us into what feels more like a sibling relationship. We are "close" now, or as close as I am capable of presently. It feels good. I never actually felt like I had a sibling before. So, pain is a megaphone, and it also ladder from what we were to each other, to the thing we become when pain binds us instead of divides us.

    Wishing you and your Mum and family serenity and peace.

    Love you Citrus.

  2. I'm reading a very good book right now, "The End of Your Life Book Club". It's written by a man who lost his mother to cancer and the books they read before she died. It's a lovely book and she was an amazing woman.

    He wrote about how hard it is saying goodbye to her, wondering if that will be the last time he sees her. About grieving in advance of her death, while she is still alive, and you're trying to get the most out of each day. It's just hard.

    I pray that your mother has a peaceful death. It hurts, I know. I miss my mum but I am also thankful that her suffering has come to an end. Now it's my turn to suffer. It's the small things that catch me, like putting away left overs and thinking, Mum would like some of this. It is getting better though.

  3. jos, i wrote a long comment last night and somehow it poofed away. i too pray that your Mother goes when the time is right for her and that she is in no pain. i know she will not be afraid because of you. and i think renee will be waiting to greet her. i often think that, knowing renee will be greeting me too someday.

    we walk the same path. my Mother is not dying but her life is. i sit with her too, jos. i am becoming her sister betty, sometimes, and that's okay. i can be aunt betty.

    i think of you often, my dear friend. please let me know if i can help in any way. i would, you know....

    love always

  4. Jos, You are in my thoughts and so is your mum. You are lucky to be able to be with your mum in these last days, I know it is hard, but a blessing and a healing. Hang on to your family and friends for support, it helps. So glad your family have all come. I am sending giant love through the miles, if you need me just call. Love you dear Jos. xoxo

  5. Jos... Springtime seems to me, the most beautiful time for a loved one to pass.....I feel your Mum WILL decide when it is time for her to go. It's wonderful that ALL the family has come to be close by...and lovely that all the siblings are now *Adults*. But, I KNOW you and your Mum treasure the moments the two of you have - alone - but together. This IS healing.
    KJ is right....Renee will be there to welcome your Mum...and so will my Mum (gone since 1984....tomorrow is the anniversary)..

    I echo KJ and Annie...I am ALWAYS here for you.....no matter the time - day or night.

    Sending love and strength to you both...holding both your hands....


    ♥ Robin ♥