30 Days of Truth - Day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Not doing better.

So many facets of essentially this same mis-guided drive for perfection. It pervades so much of what I do and feel. I want to do better. I want to be a better person. Surely there's nothing wrong in that? It seems almost perverse to me that in order to progress I must learn to accept and love my imperfections first, and then go on to forgive myself for them. Where is the logic in that? It seems contradictory to me. It is imperfection that I am trying to overcome.

Yet I do see that this logic of mine has it's own inherent flaws. Since it is impossible to be perfect should I then never love myself? Where does that leave me? In a life-long state of being unfulfilled and unloved ... and all because I find it so difficult to reconcile myself to the fact that it is perfectly OK to be imperfect.

Why then do I entertain this idea that I must strive for perfection in all that I am and do? Is it arrogance? Stupidity? I think perhaps it is another consequence of the same rigidity of thought that I talked about in exercise two. It's hard to break out of certain kinds of thought patterns, particularly when they are the product of life-long beliefs. I can see that.

I do not expect perfection in others. Far from it. I am forgiving of others in a way I find almost impossible to be towards myself and I'm not sure how to unravel the reasons for that. My best guess is that it stems from my childhood belief that if I had been a good girl then the bad stuff wouldn't have happened.

In the chaotic environment of violence and abuse of those early years it was hard to see any sense. Hard to see why ... any kind of cause and effect. I couldn't figure out the rules on how to act so as to stay safe from all that. Children often only view events with themselves in the center ... it is the nature of a child to think this way. So as a girl I thought I must be the cause. My badness made the bad things happen. Perhaps then I need to forgive that little girl who didn't know any better.

It feels so odd doing this exercise. It seems in many ways as if I have to forgive myself just for being me. Perhaps that's the whole point. It just makes me feel sad that's all ... like I'm having to give up on something I've wished so hard for and worked so hard for in my life ... and for what?

At the same time it is a relief. However much time I've wasted trying trying trying, I can learn a different path. I guess what it comes down to is that I need to forgive myself for not seeking answers to these deeper questions sooner. Nobody is perfect.


  1. Jos, I think most of us struggle with this one. I want to be perfect too, but as you say it can never happen. What I came up with is asking myself just to do my best, in all efforts just do the best I can, then let that be enough.
    Love and hugs, xoxo

  2. Acceptance is not necessarily "giving in" in the sense of giving up. It is an embrace. I love old things...metal signs with dents, dressers distressed with age...perhaps because I can hardly do them any harm, battered as they are. But I think the imperfections give character, show history, create interest.

  3. None of us are perfect and we never will be..It is hard sometimes to except who we are. The thing is we do not know why things happen bad or good..The thing is it just makes us who we are suppose to become..So love your self and remember you are special.

  4. jos, i will come by to read every word you will write until the very end. i won't come however until i can linger, which may take me a few days from now.


  5. Jos, you're trying and that's the main thing. LET GO of the bad stuff and reach for the good and if at first you don't succeed, try and try again. I keep you in my prayers. I'm thankful to know you.

    Love & Blessings,


  6. Fuck woman... you are perfect! Someone once told me that the only thing I had to forgive myself for was buying into the bull shit society and my caregivers, and every other random bit of fucked up information I some how managed to absorb and twist ever told me about what perfect was! You are beautiful and strong and caring and fantastic and perfectly human! Which means making mistakes and learning and growing. In all the time I've been reading you, I've never heard you say or even elude to the idea that you are finished learning... so if this is the University of Life, and your graduation diploma is a death certificate... I'd say your doing pretty fucking well! XOXOXOXOXO