Storms blow

If I respond to the intensity and immediacy of my emotional state

am I doomed to repeat every mistake I have ever regretted making

might I find that regret itself becomes a perpetual state of being

so much so that I become unable to distinguish worth from worthless

for such is the worthlessness of regret that it comes full circle

masquerading as stepping stones along the path towards wisdom

Instead I might rage against the idiocy that resides inside my own mind

unleashing upon it the scorn of a knowledge hard won but fragile still

in that the things we know are not synonymous with the things we feel

and into that apparent paradox comes the thorny question of will

will I do what I want in the moment or what I want in the longer term

can I build up my resistance to the former in favour of the latter

In the process of doing so do I not run the risk of losing all spontaneity

as if this were a characteristic I have ever been capable of hitherto

risk taking is not of my nature but neither is courage and yet I want

oh yes I want, but I do not want that which what I want means

in a world without consequences freedom itself becomes meaningless

but then so too does responding to the immediacy of what I feel

Instead shall I wait it out, letting these things pass in the way

that all such things however intense and demanding eventually do

shall I instead seek some solace in the diversions of doing

there are other things besides doing but I know not how they work

and in trying to work out how they work all I succeed in doing

is reminding myself of the futility of a rage otherwise unexpressed

All storms blow themselves out if you give them enough time

the trick is to understand that we are always and without fail

far more resilient than we ever give ourselves credit for

at times it can feel like failure just to feel the way that we feel

to weep at nothing more consequential than an inability

to work out that there are some things I just can't work out.

... in what?

I am a "look before you leap" sort of girl. When people tell me to "have faith" or worse still tell me that "it'll all work out to God's plan" I have to grit my teeth so that I don't come out with an expletive to fully express my doubts and to some extent my derision of such an approach. For a notionally open minded person I am becoming increasingly aware of my close-mindedness. No bad thing. In my life personal growth has not been linear but these days it is a constant nonetheless. I don't so much take strides as inch my way forward in increments so small as to be almost infinitesimal.

I do not have faith.

I have hope. I have wishes and dreams, wants and desires. I have goals and plans. I have love and friendship. I have all these, but I do not have faith.

I used to try to believe in a Creator God in the Judeo-Christian mould but many years ago my questioning of the framework within which this 'almost-faith' resided brought the whole shebang tumbling down. My faith was of the kind that the apostle Thomas would have understood well. It was riddled with doubts and questions. Inevitably and inexorably I lost what I never really had because my faith, such as it was, was not sustainable. It could not withstand even my own scrutiny.

Living a faithless life is not without wonder or awe as some might imagine, but I do miss the comfort of having faith.

Wind forward to today. I am endeavouring to find a framework within which I can honestly and with integrity hold fast to a Higher Power ... a "God of my understanding" no less. This is no academic exercise. And it's hard to explain the necessity of this except to say that it is a necessary part of the 12 Step approach to "recovery."

The "God of my understanding" needs to be substantial enough to withstand scrutiny but it need only make sense to me. It needn't be perfect but it needs to be real enough to enable me to say "thy will not mine" and mean it.

One of the things I am learning about at the moment is honesty. For me this means saying "I don't know" a hell of a lot more of the time than I used to because I'm trying not to just say what I think the other person wants to hear.

A lot of the time I don't really know what I think or how I feel. When I say that personal growth has been a constant feature of my life lately it would seem self evident that there is still some way to go. It's a strange place I find myself in just now ... it's like I don't really know who I am. And yet at the same time it's kind of nice too because I might even get to find out.

Things are not what they seem

If I could change anything
right now
I would swap what is
for what could be
if only ...

We talk about acceptance
don't we?
But what do we mean?
Do we mean accepting what is
what we think is
what we hope is
which version of being
shall I be today?

I shall be the me
of the moment
and try to hold on to the fact
that even if tomorrow
this feels unreal
today it didn't.

Tenses are what we make them.

Life's moments are so fleeting
so why do I find it so difficult
to appreciate what I have?

Is it because I spend too much time
staring at this false reflection
and wishing my pointless wishes
for a completeness that exists
only in the unreality of my imaginings
a place where I thought to transform
myself in a way that can never be

Or is it because I need only turn my face
and look out the window
to see an altogether different reality
beckoning me onwards.