30 Days of Truth - Day 23

Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I had done more than simply trust to nature in order to become a mother.

I'm not sure I can describe exactly the pain being childless causes me. This emptiness. It is a hard but dull ache that mostly exists in the back of my mind these days. As time has passed and along with it any hope of motherhood I have largely come to terms with this. Mourned it. It's just every once in a while that a keening rises up to snatch my breath away.

I balance this against the joy I have in being an auntie, godmother, friend and now even a great auntie ... how did I become so old? Lucky me to have lived so long.

Asked a question of this nature it's tempting to focus solely on something I wish I'd done where the chance to do it has now passed. Hence my initial answer above, which I wrote yesterday. Then I had a think about it and realised that I quite often do this avoidance thing where I focus on what I can't change rather than what I can. So with that in mind I'd like to answer again whilst leaving my initial response to stand.

I wish I had put as much effort into living fully as the person I am rather than focusing so much energy on continually trying to be the person I want(ed) to be.

Some things are almost too simple aren't they? How can peace come from acceptance? How can it possibly be as simple as that? And how stupid does it make me to have taken so long to finally come around to it? I am going to get the hang of this acceptance malarkey ... I may have to learn to accept my own stupidity with a bit more grace first though!


  1. Jos,darling, you are anything but stupid! I think we learn to accept the older we get, and not just except, but love our life. It is something I struggle with daily. As for the childless part, I sometimes wish I'd had a child, but it was by choice, so it is a little different. If it makes you feel any better, I have a friend who poured much pain and money into trying to make a child happen and it still did not happen, somethings are just meant to be and we cannot always know why. Hugs. xoxo

  2. If it were that easy to grasp, more people in the world would be happy. At least you've finally gleaned that truth; most never do.

    (So you're actually smarter than most!)

  3. Acceptance. Boy...it's the long road around. We sure fight it don't we? But yes...finally peace. This reminds me of my youngest, after viewing a picture of his grandmother in college. "Grandma...how did you get so old?" It happens. With or without our consent. And you would have made a marvelous mother. Just sayin. Which is why all your kin are so damn lucky. Your friends too :)