30 Days of Truth - Day 26

Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I'm not sure I want to write about this at all.

I have thought about giving up and ending my life. I've had the idea knocking around in my head from time to time but only a couple of times have I given it any kind of active consideration to the extent of making a plan and starting to hoard medication.

I can't really pinpoint specific times when I've had these thoughts as they've recurred throughout my adult life although not usually in the context of giving it serious consideration ... more as a way of re-assuring myself that there is always a choice however dreadful things might seem at the time. I guess it sounds strange as a way of providing comfort to myself but sometimes it has helped me to see things more in perspective when things have felt unbearable.

I have been through some times of deep despair. Times when I've felt there was no alternative other than to give up. I have thought about how to do it and worked it out in my mind. In my day to day life I think once I'd made that plan and knew it could work it kind of eased the mental pressure. I stopped thinking about it as often. I know it's always there as an option but I also know that this is an act with far reaching repercussions for the people I love.

I have got people in my life who love me. I love them too. I wonder how I could ever have thought of leaving them ... hurting them. I know there is nothing more selfish than to think of myself in isolation like this. It's not like I could take it back or say "oops, sorry, I made a mistake".

I've known people who've tried to commit suicide, and one who succeeded. I saw at first hand the devastation wrought in the aftermath ... the result of acting upon that self destructive impulse. For years one of my friends has been haunted by the notion that she and their children were not sufficient reason for her partner to want to stay alive.

To despair is natural enough at times. To give up on life even. I can understand how a person gets to that point. I know some people get scared at talk of giving up or even actively seeking a way to end it all. I think a lot of people consider it at some point in their lives without really getting anywhere near acting upon those thoughts.
Posted by Jos

6 comments:

  1. Emeniano A Somoza Jr20 December 2010 at 09:18

    "more as a way of re-assuring myself that there is always a choice however dreadful things might seem at the time..."

    Yes indeed, and if we actualize the plan, the freedom to hoard on options will not be there anymore. ;)) We might be in the same situation, but my option is to write poems so I could be reminded of how my 'thought processes' used to be at some point in my dragging life. :) Love your writing style, by the way.

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  2. Tonjia Rolan20 December 2010 at 12:10

    Hmm. Haven't really thought about it in a while. I think you are right. Self loathing and the desire to end our own suffering seem to be a natural and normal part of the suffering we experience here. Who knew? Good observation. I myself have experienced it many times.

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  3. Wine and Words20 December 2010 at 12:22

    It was last Sunday I think. The closest I ever really came to being beyond hopeless. To feeling like there was no way to feel better than death. My friend said, "Annie, you always want the easy way out." Well...I don't know about that. Seems to me I always pick the harder road. But I wouldn't want to be called a coward. And it seems cowardly and incredibly cruel to those left behind. But a week a go Sunday...that was close.

    I'll talk you down from the ledge if ever you need it. You'll do the same for me. Love you!

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  4. Annie Coe20 December 2010 at 15:50

    I agree Jos, I think everyone has tought about it. I never actually made a plan, but when I was young I thought about it many times. As I have matured I never consider it except as something I may do if I was ever really sick.xoxo

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  5. Marion20 December 2010 at 16:03

    Of course, I've thought about it. Despair is non-discriminatory. Once I was feeling beyond hopeless and I received a book in the mail from my daughter for no reason (this has never happened before). The title was "No One Belongs Here More Than You" by Miranda July. When I opened the package, it shocked me. I have no doubt that it was a message from God, for sure. The book is bright yellow.

    You are a strong, amazing woman, Jos. Love & Blessings!!

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  6. Robin20 December 2010 at 18:55

    Absolutely.....I have had those dark thoughts a few times in my life.... and once was not all that long ago. But, somehow, my Faith came through and I thought that it was 'cheating' my Destiny to end my life.

    As quickly as one's life can enter the realm of despair, it can just as quickly return to brightness and hope.

    We all fight a continual battle to survive and to hope.

    Sending you love AND hope for a better 2011 filled with health, joy and love.

    Always,

    ♥ Robin ♥

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