now he's dead

Are we defined by what we do, or by what is done to us
if we are whole people surely it is at least partly both
so again we come to this matter of balance, of re-alignment
if everything truly has an equal and opposite reaction
there should be an equality in the effect of things done.

So we return to the thorny issue of abuse, and of surviving
of kicking back against what was done, but only to the point
where further kicking achieves little, diminishing returns
and somehow this time has come round and I'm not ready yet
which seems a funny thing to say after nearly forty years.

Having spent less than a year finally facing up to these things
of actually trying to find some form of resolution to all this
to then have the monster up and die on me has left things open
hanging there in a way I've yet to find some way to figure out
how to bring some closure, what kind of a word is that anyway?

And what does it represent? Is closure acceptance, quiescence
since nothing can be done ... nothing can be undone in any way
so should I quiesce? Bow to the inevitable, accept my fate
accept that as damaged goods I must carry this damage within me
I keep hearing these phrases... work around it, live with it.

So waking with a feeling of him on me, inside me, is that OK?
feeling his hands pushing me this way and that, forcing me
forming me, creating his fantasy, destroying me, is that also OK?
and feeling this when my husband has love in mind, wants intimacy
to feel a connection with only me ... not me and my memories.

I know I should stay grounded in the present, breathe in and out
for fucks sake ... haven't I have been breathing my whole life
but not like this ... out with the dread ... in with cleansing hope
I try to suspend my cynicism, I do ... I so want this to be true
that peace can be gained even now, and so I practise my breathing.

Well, and thinking, I really wouldn't be me if I didn't think some
I can almost hear you groaning, but even so, we're nearly done
I read what you wrote about breathing, about cleansing breaths
learning to live in a monster free zone, healing my inner child
it's a big ask. I want to ... far more than you can ever, ever know.


  1. this flashback thing is tough. emdr treatment can help with it, but it drags it up more for a bit. hugs.

  2. I shall have a look at emdr, thanks Joker. I find it so difficult to express the rage that I feel sometimes and then it just bursts out when I least expect it. When I started writing last night I really hadn't got this in mind at all. Ah well ... better out than in I guess! xxJ

  3. I wish I had the answers. Every survivor has their own path to healing. All I can tell you is this, I can now thing back to events of abuse and not cringe, know it was not my fault, know it does not define me, allow my mind to be fully embraced and loved. I wish you speed on your journey forward.

  4. yes, i've no answers. shit. is this always the case? I've feet though, big kick-ass feet that I would like to kick into his zombie ass for you,and i've two gentle hands that i'd like to place on your shoulders so that you might believe you are not damaged goods. that's all i have.