Your faith

You have such a gentle humour it passes me by sometimes
but then other times it niggles through the outer morass
to tickle me for days at a time, the way you see life
the way you can separate the essentials from the rest
your insistence that you're probably talking rubbish.

But you know you aren't, there's no real uncertainty
perhaps a slight lack of confidence a peculiar diffidence
it all adds to the gentleness with which you say things
compels me to listen in a way I seldom find myself doing
peeling back the layers of meaning to discover the core.

Can you imagine having The Givers power? ... a deep well
and trawling the depths of such questions can't be rushed
so you sit quietly, your head to one side, looking at me
I can see by your smile that you think I'll have no answer
and whilst answers are not at all what I have I still reply.

The Giver features quite a lot in my thoughts, always has
since those long ago days when I called out for help
but none arrived, repetitions, petitions, promises to be good
there was no end to those early negotiations and pleadings
I concluded that The Giver must be deaf because I wasn't good.

It never occurred to me that the lack of any response
was due to the absence of The Giver, I was so very sure
that if I could only find the right promise and keep it
could find the right way to be good then I'd be answered
that The Giver would then come and whisk the monster man away.

So I have come to realise that the rage runs both ways
towards The Giver for leaving me to deal with monsters alone
towards myself for not being good enough to elicit help
... how else to explain to such a young mind that absence
the allowance of unutterable deeds done far from prying eyes.

If I had that over-arching power? I'd use it to re-shape
to go inside the minds of monsters of all kinds to re-wire
to make whole all those fractured tortured twisted parts
I'd go inside the bodies of those inflicted with illness
reclaiming all the damaged cells, making right what's wrong.

I can feel the possibilities spinning through my mind
an endless list of needs ... an endless list of neediness
would I feel overwhelmed, would I balance needs differently
if The Giver is also The Creator does her heart not bleed
does she not despair at the sight of such bitter desolation.

You smile your pensive smile, your faith shines even now
I would never presume to question something of such value
faith is an intrinsic part of what makes you so unique
in my experience you don't just believe it, you live it
if all believers were like you, would I, could I believe?

I just might you know, might find it somewhere in my heart
to forgive a Giver who can bear to allow the unallowable
balancing the present against the vastness of all eternity
throwing the present to one side, disregarding it altogether
forgiveness in exchange for the forgiveness of my many sins.

What you want for me is what you have, I know that too
I do not mistake your generous spirit despite how we differ
you are an ambassador of a faith I may never subscribe to
but I would never shut that door though, not completely
faith may yet one of these days steal into this old soul.