kissing you

I didn't know that being kissed could feel like that
or that kissing you back would feel even more so
I didn't know I had such intense feelings within me
and yet I did wonder at times what you had in mind
but this deep fear of intimacy takes all its forms in me
I would never have dared to without a drink drunk
I would never have dared at all if you hadn't first
You are the brave one, the thrill seeker of us two
I am the plodder, the thinker, the boring slow one.

I often wonder at your patient forbearance with me
why stick with a friendship you get so little out of
you are not fooling me with the "my life is so dull"
nothing is duller than someone who takes without giving
how did we get to a place where you are the giver anyway
is it safer for you if the trust runs more one way
does it allow you the grace of not thinking too much
I know you get fed up with me thinking the whole time
you want me to break free, be me, whoever that might be.

I'm not brave, I'm not really a grown up at all you see
I can put up a decent show of it at work, with these men
where pretending is so easy to do, everyone is complicit
in the everything's fine thank you game, we play it daily
but however fine I feel in this moment that can change
suddenly and with almost no warning signs I'll be gone
triggered by the turn of a head, a suggestion of a smile
a flick of a hand, an adjustment of position, so many things
staying grounded here now is a constant challenge you see.

What has this to do with kissing ... I see I have meandered
from the delicious memory of you, your face, your sighs
never in my life have I been the cause of another's sighs
it awoke in me a response I didn't know was even possible
and left me feeling a conflicting sense of wonder and woe
for I know that this can not be repeated, it must be lost
packed away in the cloud room where only daydreams go
where only I can know of the broken promises lying therein
I can feel you still, the softness of your skin, the glow.

It scares me because it calls into question my nature
in my inexperience this has an altogether different feel
despite my fear of being close I want to be close to you
and because I tremble you pause take time to re-assure
yet in the next second you astonish me with new sensations
a feeling that all things are possible in these moments
if I can just stay here ... in these moments with you
holding back my fear I give in to this, this sweetest embrace
I would again if the situation arose, should you so desire.