Do you think one can really heal from deep hurt
in which case what form does true healing take
is it possible to make whole what was broken,
because when a person breaks it's on the inside
although there are sometimes outward signs too
if you know where to look ... or rather how to.

Talking to you about this some time ago now
I remember thinking that you would turn away
that such pain is too difficult to respond to
and yet you used such simple language
knew the word hurt would be easier to cope with
much gentler and yet still contains the core of it.

Hurt is exactly the word a child uses, I used it
and looking back I see that it was too gentle
"he hurt me" could be anything from a scratch
to what it was instead, which was so much more
and that hurt was planted deep into my soul
so deep that trying now to dig it out hurts too.

If I leave it instead, will it eventually heal over
is this digging perhaps the wrong thing to do
let sleeping dogs lie, forget, put it behind me
except I keep turning around and there it is
it doesn't go away through simply ignoring it
it roars back into my dreams day and night.

It robs me of a sense of myself here and now
drags me back there over and over again
and breathing can only do so much to help
it calms me, it gives me space to hold myself
reminding me that I am here and not there
which sounds stupid until you've been there.

Sleep, oh god elusive rest free from all this
but sleep brings tossing and thrashing about
upsetting my gentle man who doesn't understand
that nightmares are not only for children
but for people re-visiting long ago haunts
where monsters lurk and do such dark deeds.

This won't last of course, it will ease again
the intensity and frequency will gradually fade
it will once again form the background hum
like white noise machines found in some places
where normally you can just ignore them except
once you notice, the hum seems like a roar.

And mostly that has been what it's like
an ever present hum in the back of my mind
a knowledge that this isn't going away ever
so an accomodation must somehow be made
a way of living and knowing but still living
a way of knowing and yet it being OK to know.

You ask why I can't just forget about all this
why cling to the past with such determination
and it shocks me to think that you might be right
that this is my doing, or perhaps my undoing
that I am actually causing this hurt to myself
by not disciplining myself to focus elsewhere.

And you know, you may just have a point there
there may be an element of self inflicted harm
of failing to do more to heal myself and move on
yes that might indeed be true and I'll take time
to think about that, see if I can bear to believe it
see if it holds the key to some final resolution.


  1. my hurt is in my mind, not my body, but the same thing you write about applies in some ways. today i spoke with claudia, who understands how this stuff works, and she said that while we look at it in an attempt to heal it we keep re-visiting it and opening it up again. we can't undo stuff that happened at a time when our personhood was developing; it is hard-wired into us. so we need to learn how to live round it and with it. it made a lot of sense to me, although it may not be how it sits with you. hugs anyway.

  2. that is how it feels ... hard wired. No point in wishing then ... oh well, thought not! I think Claudia is right though. I keep picking over the same scab, not good. Hugs to you too! xx