So this is where I have to write a letter to me then
... as opposed to me now. I am looking at my photo
which is supposed to help and I've chosen a nice one
of me from pretty much when I remember all this began
but you can't tell just by looking at this little girl
who is standing by a dog grinning up and that's a clue
because later on I became and am very frightened of dogs.
I sit here looking at this photo of me back then
and I'm trying to think about what I can write to her
that will in any way undo even the smallest measure
of the damage done by the scary monster man
I try to think of all that I've learnt in my sessions
but my mind refuses to do anything but look and cry.
Well this carries on for a few days which is sort of OK
as my other half is away on business so he can't see
this totally shambolic attempt to get it together
and make steps forward instead of .. christ I need a drink
And I wander to the kitchen to look at the wine rack
Full of stuff that will only make the tears run more freely.
Back upstairs in my special writing place I sit once more
looking at me from way back when the monster man first came
Dear little me ... this is big me talking to you now
and I know just how scared and lonely and bad this feels
but you know what? This is not happening because your are bad.
So what can I say it's because of then, she's waiting to hear.
Well you see there are bad people who want to hurt kids.
And they tell them that they must never tell and you know why?
Because what they are doing is really very bad and naughty
and if somone told on them do you know what would happen?
They'd go to jail and have to stay there for a long time.
I think there's special jails for monster men with high walls.
But I can't say those things to little me, because she never told
well except Daddy who got all funny and strange and called her a liar
She didn't remember seeing him there at all until later
Back to little me, I was telling you about bad people wasn't I?
And how this isnt your fault and little girls are never to blame
for this kind of bad thing happening. Will you trust me?
I must tell you some stuff that is hard to understand
about scary things that happen when we're too small to stop it.
I know that he hurt you and made you do things that made you cry
and that the hurt bits inside you still don't feel right
It was him that was wrong and not you at all, you're beautiful
and clean, bright shiny girl. I want to hug you right now.
When you grow up in the future and look back to this time
I want you to know that this was what a bad person did
and you are still a good girl even if you don't feel it's true
and what happened does not make you less than the person you are
or the person you would someday wish or even pray to be
I love you me from way back then, and I'm sure we'll be OK now.
Praise Song by Lucille Clifton
14 hours ago