Last night

I wake up to feel the residue between my legs
and frantically search my memory to find you
and yes there it is, that moment before
when you press your body towards me
and whisper urgent words of love and need

I left you then to carry on the journey into me
but outside of me at the same time as I'm not there
I've had to go you see and leave you to it
And I do know how unfair that is on us both
but really I'm not sure what else I can do.

When we argue and you allude to this
I can't think what to say that doesn't sound
like the same old reasons, the same past shit
that has nothing to do with us two at all
Should there be blame in this delicate question

How can I tell you that the woman I should be
was lost long ago by actions I've hardly explained
only in passing, those first dates when I was scared
of being rushed and hurried to do the very thing
that we are now having so much trouble with

I say it's not you, and take all the blame
and yet in my thoughts I feel a complete lack
of any will or desire to make this right
if it means going back there and fighting my demons
all over again, I don't think I can bear this

To feel like a non-woman and yet it's true
that when closeness is desired it's only by you
and that is so fucking unfair that I make the attempt
I try once again to make my body do
while my minds screams of dangerous waters

It's you and somehow him still at the same time
and I try to separate the two
but my body can't tell and sends out distress
which pisses you off and makes me retreat
from even attempting to stay here with you.

So I shut down completely and that's easy for me
it's something I'm good at still years down the line
Hiding within and waiting for you to be done
And knowing in the morning I'll feel once more
worthlessness knowing I wasn't here for you.