If I say too much

If I say too much
I'm afraid that you'll find it daunting
That you will turn your face away
Feel the weight of expectation
To somehow be a saviour

I have tried talking
I've described the way it was
I look for signs in your expression
Have I said enough to scare you
How brave you seem to me

So fucking fed up
This thing won't go away
How do you escape these horrors
Free yourself from past sensations
Is there a way do you think

I wake up sometimes
Feeling him on, in my body
I run fast inside my head
Try to leave myself behind
Where is a safe place to hide

I was a little girl
So small and so very afraid
I made my mind shut down
Learnt to hide inside my head
How do you stop doing that

I make my list of words
It's like pulling teeth this work
I hate the way it leaves me
I loath what I've become
This small child inside a woman.