Mornings

And so I wake up suddenly to cold air
To damp pyjamas and a hammering heart
My insides are shaking and I feel sick
I look over to check you haven't noticed
And crawl quietly out to the bathroom
Where I throw up and then sit waiting.

I'm not sure why I can't get past this
I'm using the techniques she taught me
I'm relaxing and thinking of peaceful images
Overlaying them on top of the nightmare
Playing continually in my minds eye.
I want to crawl into a small space.

I creep quietly back into bed and look outwards
I am waiting for it to be OK to just be
The shaking is subsiding and that helps
But the images roll on and the sensations
Is there anything that I can sensibly say
Well the sensations are beyond description

Coarse sandpaper being rubbed maybe
Onto delicate private places inside me
Or white hot hard thing that shouldn't be
Anywhere near me, in me, oh fuck
Got to get a grip here any second he'll awake
He will wonder why I'm crying this time

Gather myself for the day and blank it off
I can't keep fighting this battle each dawn
I can't find the energy to do anything but drown
Which has been no real answer so far
And I do know I can't keep doing this
When you so need me to be here too.