You can’t possibly be more ashamed of me
Than I am shamed by my own behaviour
You might ask why do you do this to yourself
And I answer that there’s no why in addiction
Addiction sneaks in the back door
It accumulates in the dark corners
Soothing the burdened soul
With it’s liquid smoothness
Taking the sharp corners from life
Slowly building it’s foundations
Becoming something from nothing
Feeding upon itself gradually taking hold
Unknowingly I let it
I fed it
Then it devoured me
Until I couldn’t see
Another way to be
But don’t feel sorry
Please
I need no pity
I did this to myself
I will fight my way
Out
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there are plenty of hands to hold on the way back up, jos. come and see us soon. hugs.
ReplyDeleteJos, I have been away from your blog for far too long. I don't know the specifics....but I do know great emotional pain and what it does to a person.
ReplyDeleteLet me echo what has been written here and on your previous post....you are a loving, giving and worthwhile person. You are greatly loved..... you are not alone....let your "Blogging Family" in..we want to be here for you....we ARE here for you.
I send you a big hug and strength to move forward and to believe in YOU. I believe in you.
Love,
♥ Robin ♥
Jos,
ReplyDeleteI wrote this addiction piece over a year ago...don't think we were readying each other then. I post it here so you know just how well I understand.
You can ignor it for a time, push it down...tape it to bed and gag it good. But sooner or later binds loosen and you are face to face once more. The hunger. It grows slowly, nibbling crumbs and morsels...left overs really, so what's the harm? Til it BECOMES...it's own ravenous entity. And you can hear the rumblings off in the distance, inching closer to the meal...salivating with bulging eyes, starved for IT. You plug your ears and sing a tune. You turn an eye but one holds steady....sniper or beacon? Calling to, or warding off? Maybe just a taste to hold starvation at bay...a lick, a puff, an ounce, a kiss, a rage. But the stomach grumbles and the will wanders from the appetizer to the main and suddenly you are inhaling it, shoving deep...greedy, covered now with slobber, blood, smoke, filth as you two fist to mouth. And in a blink, it is consumed. Bloated and full, you bat your eyes in heady abatement, still tasting exquisite. Till the morrow, when stale is in your mouth and guilt is on your breath and you are not full...and not yet ravenous. So you push it down, tape it to bed and gag it good.....the hunger.
Love you much Citrus. You are one hell of a fighter!
Jos, Sending you much love and thinking of you everyday. Send an SOS if you need me. Love you.xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering on the nature of your addiction. I think, erin, it's flagelation, and then think, perhaps you are wrong. It might be something else. And then I realize that probably all addiction is flagelation. And then I think, but she has such beautiful skin.
ReplyDeleteI know that it doesn't matter what the nature of it is. What matters is that you do the work to be better and that there are those who are on this side who see your worth and your beauty.
xo
erin
Oh, how I understand this, dearest Jos. Dealing with chronic pain has changed me...You are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend. Love & Blessings!!
ReplyDeletejos, i know about addiction. 20 plus years sober and i'm happy to say that outloud. all i know is you are worthy. i know that without a doubt.
ReplyDeleteyou are doing the work. it may be slow and painful, but you are.
i'm glad you are back. i miss you when you're not around.
love
kj