Adult ... kind of

I knew I should never become a mother
because I am the daughter of a woman
who should never have become a mother
and I am also the daughter of a man
who should never have become a father

There are too many flaws in my family
and the long and short of it is that
these two should never have had children
because having them they abandoned them
whilst appearing not to do so at all

And so we grew up ... except we didn't
we grew on the outside but not really
we aged which is not the same thing
how do you grow a child to maturity
when she is stuck in the pain of the past


  1. You buy a pair of Chuck Taylors with a wild child flower pattern. You dance in the intersections and press your nose to the glass of candy shops. You look over your shoulder and flip your old childhood the bird because now you can afford to do it right.

    What else have we Jos...but to release the past, which frees us into the future. It's never gonna be put to rights. Nothing is ever going to make up for it. It won't be repaired. There is no restitution. We're not going to have decent parents or a lineage to be proud of. But we frickin survived girl! Our parents ruined a lot. Why give them the power to ruin the rest? All we have is the power to open our hands and let it go. THIS is my second childhood, and at times I feel pretty damn young in it. Those moments are so precious to me. Maturity will come.

    I can see you Jos...twirling on the beach with your yellow dress and orange bow...gathering speed, and courage, and strength. I watch your bones regrow into a new woman. Let's go swing. I'll push. We'll sing, laugh, and give the past a run for it's money.

  2. Very slowly. With gentle hands. With a cooler mind and an open heart. You are quiet. You are thoughtful. You are forgiving. Forgiving, Jos. We are not supposed to be any one thing right now. We are all at different stages. And we all have the capacity to become whole. I believe it.

    There is no such thing as an adult. It only appears that way. We are all so vulnerable and flawed. It is mind rattling to realize this.

    much love

  3. It seems we had the same parents :-). What is an adult Jos? I don't know, but I can tell you that you are a wonderful, caring woman. A gem.

  4. I never really grew up either.