My heart does not lie

I don't know what to say
how to tell you that this
has not been some huge lie
our life so far together
and yet I must say something

So I will tell you only this
I love you, I always have
from that first moment
when your eyes softened
looking straight into mine

I wish so many things
that my past was different
no, not to spare me but you
for you suffer consequences
unintended and undeserved

You know I never thought
I would ever be with anyone
can you imagine the journey
taking me from there to here
to being here with you my love

If I regret anything at all
it's that I've not been enough
in pretty much every sense
insufficient in my deeds
and yet never in my heart


  1. It is a true gift, to be given a man who sees the effort and gives it weight enough, more even, than she who needs not try so hard, more than she to whom loving and trusting comes easily. And not all men can...take a reality of (perhaps???) less, and shape shift it to love big enough. A rare gift really. He, as lucky as you, dear Jos.

  2. If not ever insufficient in your heart, Jos, then you have done well. What more can we do when we are flawed to begin with? Try and love and try again. As long as you are trying.


  3. Jos -

    This -

    “no, not to spare me but you
    for you suffer consequences”

    We have no idea, really, what our suffering can grant in treasures, also for the other part involved. He might so much richer for it. Trust that.

    As if trusting was easy......


  4. Again I find myself saying sorry ... I neglect to respond ... not in my heart but here.

    Annie, I wish I could believe it ... that he is lucky too. Seems to me that I bring him more unhappiness than he deserves.

    Oh Erin, I am so fed up with trying ... should it be this hard?

    Grete, trust is not something easy you're so right. And yet I do think that maybe my past can in some ways enrich the present. I do.

    Thank you xx

  5. If only I could tell you how much I relate. There are no words. I too often wish I could change things about my 'past' in order to spare those in my present and future. What I do know and believe is that you have always been enough, you have always done enough, you truly are enough. Perfect in every way with your imperfections and your magnificently huge ability to love and accept without expectation or judgement. Sisterly love, huge. xo