I was thinking about you just now, pondering
remembering what we talked of last night
when the lights were low and the wine open
about how distant you sometimes feel from others
and particularly your family whom you so love
but yet somehow seem to keep yourself apart.
And I wondered about the fear the consumes us
that stops us from connecting with others
especially others we love and care about
maybe it's that care that stops us from venturing
into murky waters where hurt might be caused
so the fear perpetuates but someone must start.
I thought about the person who is most brave
in my family, the one who takes these hard risks
to connect and start conversations with meaning
and I realised that right now that person is me
which both suprised and depressed me in a way
for I have the least to give in so many ways.
You on the other hand have many gifts to share
although I suspect you're totally unaware of this
I ask about how it was that you were there
in the dark days with your father slowly fading
how you managed to convey to him through care
what you could never say out loud in words.
You see a separateness that may not in fact be
for the people around you may be totally aware
of your deep abiding commitment to them all
I suspect you are like a solid rock in their world
someone they always know they can rely on
so you are actually at the core of your family.
And this sense of separateness afflicts us all
although with some there is an even deeper despair
a longing to convey to those we love that we love
that we hold their hearts dear. Such simple words
such a simple message, can it be so difficult really
and you said no, not if you can bear to say it.
And what struck me then is how little you say
even after so many years of friendship between us
and it's always been OK that you don't say much
for when you do it makes for interesting conversation
and the fact is that what you do say has extra meaning
the ones you love love you too, I bet they listen.