light and shade

There's a duality in all of us to some degree isn't there
black and white, light and shade, laughter and tears
I've been thinking about the transition through grief
how to move on after all these years and lay to rest
things that happened to someone who is now no more

The person we were then is not the person we become
and learning to tell the two apart is part of this I hope
a separation and acceptance that the two are not the same
and a deeper realisation that nothing changes in our past
and no amount of willing or wishing can ever make it so

Closure I've heard it called and I guess it's what I'm after
just some peace from the general whirl something lasting
something to hold onto whenever these storms rage within
some way of just walking away into that tranquil place
where nothing hurts and where pain is just some word

Where time stands still and so there is no real transition
just a gentle dawning drawing me back from there to here
an acknowledgement that such feelings can be endured
and in the endurance comes a deeper understanding
that life may not be fair or good or sweet, but it is there

And being there it must be lived rather than just endured
for this gift is undervalued if we miss the important meaning
of the relationship we have with everything around us
we are part of a whole, and although we might not feel it
a speck in the universe we might be someone elses world.

Old grief is sometimes right bang square in front of us
it is stuff we should have dealt with a long long time ago
but without the tools, with too much drowning it wasn't so
preferring oblivion has meant that this has all been stored
and so back to the prospect of finally dealing with it all.

It's like being asked to grow up when I'm already grown
just not in every way well certainly not in this way anyway
I would rather retreat back into oblivion than grieving fully
completely, going through the stages, learning how to heal
learning to deal with reality rather than what I wish could be.

Being a grown up is not appealing when it means all this
why can't I stay in my oblivion, is drowning really so bad
compared to facing up to truths I've spent so long avoiding
there's no transition, no healing unless I take these steps
it needn't come in leaps and bounds, and I will get there yet.