Notes on the cloud room

Before, how did I say the unsayable?
I guess I just didn't, locked it away
found a secret corner in my mind
to tuck things out of sight, out of mind
and now I say them here
except some things.

You asked me recently about some things
why I have a room of clouds locked away
like that secret corner of my mind
where I still tuck some things out of sight
things I can't say where they might be read
I'm glad you don't ask why.

Do you ever feel disgusted with yourself?
like you just shouldn't be allowed
to mix with decent people
living decent lives
and it's not an act for them
they're clean on the inside too.

Well I'm not. Not clean I mean
and no amount of washing or wishing
can ever make it so
and no amount of turning my mind
changes this fundamental belief
that I am an unclean girl ... woman.

There's a look I see sometimes in the mirror
on those days when I almost can't bear
to meet my own eyes there
darkness gathers in my already dark eyes
and I feel the howling gale within
drowning out the sounds of now.

And so what I write in the cloud room
is stuff I just can't say
or bear to have read even by you
and I'm sorry you think I don't trust enough
but if you knew me like I know me
you wouldn't want to know that about me.