Hope against hope

Sometimes I can't think what to say, what will help

even knowing the way it is when you're stuck there

under the dark clouds, feeling the lethargy, apathy

the hammering of self judgement knocking loudly

telling you repeatedly that you're useless worthless

and any small effort you make will never be enough

If I tell you positive things you might just raise a smile

but fundamentally the change comes from within

so anything I say can only ever have little effect

except to let you know that despite how this feels

despite the deep aloneness that comes with these clouds

you are not alone, I am with you, right beside you

And the reason you can't see me is no reason at all

I am here and you are there but I am also there

in that I have sat or lain under the same dark skies

feeling the hollowness that comes with the wind

numbing my mind, turning me inwards onto myself

blocking my view of the outer world altogether

Oh god and the tiredness, the bone aching exhaustion

of dragging yourself through the bare minimum tasks

of washing dressing eating walking talking ... doing

wading through the treacle of everyday existence

waiting for the chance to climb in under the duvet

hiding in slumber from the wastelands of my life

There will always be that temptation won't there

to take up again the medication that alters temporarily

these bottles with no prescription label, liquid oblivion

taking you away to a place removed from reality

rocking you gently in it's seemingly safe embrace

come the morning the mirror tells it's own tale

Come the morning comes also the terrible knowledge

of an addiction fed once more, the clouds descend

ever closer enveloping, swirling within our nausea

as the self loathing rears up to engulf us once more

the descent seems almost inevitable from this point

is there any spark of hope in this dark soulless place

And so it is that I come to write to you now my friend

to talk once again of the nature of hope against hope

the wisdom I share is not my own, although I own it now

but passed to me in a time of my own deep need

in the safe knowledge that although it might take time

I would should the opportunity arise return the favour

Perhaps hope seems elusive because it is too close to see

is it possible do you think that the answer lies within

if you consider even the remotest chance that I'm right

you might well stumble across a crumb barely recognised

for this crumb born of my distraction is a tiny kernel

from which I'm sure hope might be nurtured to grow

How is it that I know or suspect the answer lies within

do you not remember the day not so very long ago

when you told me that these things pass, always do

three words then two that I took inside and grew

from five words to this, my inadequate gift back to you

in the hope that you will at least find some comfort here

We talked some time ago about a sunny green hillside

a quiet place just beyond the outer edge of the storms

found by plodding face towards the gale force winds

finding strength on strengthless days for just one step

the next day two, my friend these things do pass

steps that might seem aimless lead somewhere else

Somewhere else doesn't sound all that safe does it

ah, but I can't promise a safe haven or sunny hillsides

but I can wish, I can hope, I can wait there for you

if I walk towards you how close will I have to be

before you see me, before you feel a spark of hope

shall we see, can you see me yet ... how about now?