More thoughts of you

I know why I was thinking about this
re-visiting forbidden thoughts I'd shut away
except they just didn't stay that way
and from forbidden I travelled to suppression
but that didn't work very well either
so I travelled further on towards denial

However adept I become at self delusion
I am still left with the knowledge of you
and however this plays out over time to come
I cannot, will not and don't want to deny this
that you impacted on me so unexpectedly
that I am left here breathless in wonderment

Do you remember me saying some time ago
that I can write words that I just can't say
bound as I am by this all consuming fear
that you ignore and thus help me to discount too
I wonder sometimes if you're playing games
using my inexperience as if I were a novelty toy

If I said such things aloud I would be bereft
because there's no response that you could give
in light of my distrust you'd feel duty bound
to re-assure and thus I somehow betray you too
I wish that I could do as it seems that you can
take it as it is, freely given, freely taken, just free

Does this kind of thing happen for a reason
so many mysteries and so my utter confusion
focuses not on the consequences but on the why
moving beyond repercussions to see if there is more
or less in which case the fallout must be contained
except ... except there's this, how can I describe it

I think of you and it just makes me smile inside
I feel with you in a way my normal life doesn't allow
and yet I must acknowledge some consequences
in living my life with such separateness from others
I am uniquely ill equipped to deal with all this
unable to weigh it's significance in your world

So it is that we're back to the question of games
asking of myself the answer to this uncertainty
at a loss to explain this new duality of desire
when desire itself was hard won in the first place
sullied as it was by the ever present monster
who stalks me even through the barrier of death

But that needn't concern you except I know it does
for in telling you of how it was to be stalked
I risked conferring on you some responsibility
to treat me more gently, and here's the crux
what if it is only me that wants, that desires
and you just haven't the heart to tell me so.