Is this it?

And so from a dream world
back to reality
and the reality is
that there is no drama here
only a troubled heart
bruised by my own stupidity

And so a feeling of confusion
this deep unease
I thought I'd resolved
or at least put to one side
treasured without regret
outside my life's usual pattern

I need to learn to listen
not just to hear
and then act anyway
putting you in an impossible position
with nothing to say
that I will willingly hear

And I now think you did try
perhaps too tenderly
to steer me clear
of the danger I myself caused
the damage is done now
and so I worry for your heart

Do you remember telling me once
that women don't break
our strength is like the willow
whose branches bend and sway
the wood is green within
not easily splintered apart

I remember thinking
about re-winding back
to just seconds before
I reacted to what I know believe
was just your attempt to heal
this impossible wound

I guess I mis-understood
in every possible way
in my total astonishment
and wonder at my own response
I lost sight of your intent
and created this interpretation

Thinking you wanted to explore
experience this newness
exhibiting your inherent bravery
which I mistook as your own desire
but here in retrospect
I suspect you were at a loss too

How to stop without causing hurt
trying words here and there
which I heard but didn't
lost as I was in these sensations
never before felt, not even close
but that is no real excuse

For I know better than most
how it feels to be used
to be bent towards anothers' will
so my heart fills with abhorrent shame
at the very possibility
that I could be guilty of such things

But if I don't consider this
as at least conceivable
then I am guilty in turn
of doing what I couldn't bear to do
and although it pains me incredibly
I wonder if this is in fact true.


  1. "I guess I mis-understood in every possible way". I think there is so much value in reflecting what you hear and interpret, back to the source. If I say something and you take it in as hurtful, there is so much benefit in checking out with me..."Is this what you meant when you said..." because then I can redirect your thought pattern before there is hurt and misunderstanding. Of course I can also concur that what you took in was exactly what I meant to say. But either way it is real, instead of based on conjecture.

  2. You're right of course Annie. In saying that, I have found that I can't tell when people are saying things that aren't quite the truth of it in order to avoid giving hurt. So I am trying to marry impressions, what has actually been said, my interpretation ... and yes ... conjecture.

    I used to at least try to believe what people said to me. How simple things were when I did that, simple but niaive. xx Jos