6 Month Blues

6 months on Saturday just gone. Personal best territory ... at least for the last 15 years or so, which has got to be good news hasn't it? So why don't I feel better? Why do I want to drink so much right now? To celebrate? To commiserate? Since when does a drinker need a reason to drink?

There is nothing more insidious than addiction I guess. It's like an internal bit of me that shouldn't be there but refuses to leave. However many times I turn my back on her still I hear her carping away at the back of my mind. If you invite a monster into your home how can you do anything other than blame yourself for the mess and other less than savoury consequences that result from such rank stupidity?

It's not like I didn't know. Oh I knew all right. Liquid drugs, how brilliant is that? And it's legal. Expected even. Just get around the taste problem by trying this and that. Forget about those earlier experiences because I'm older now right? Wiser ... right? So just work on developing a palate. Ha! Yeah cuz it's all about the taste right?

There's a huge risk with milestones. I've seen it so many times in the last few years. Every reason under the sun is given as to why it's OK now ... every justification explored, turned inside out an upside down ... intellectualised even, and for what? So that we can feel OK about going to get smashed. We don't call it that though do we? We call it choice. But we know how it's going to end up.

Denial is always easier than facing the truth head on. As an addict I can never drink again. And I am one. I know it. I hate this particular truth more than I can say but that doesn't mean it isn't true. Ah poor Jos deprived of her fun.

Fun? Well yes there was some fun ... about maybe 20% of the time if that. And the rest? Shall I remind myself again about the other 80%? At the heart of it what is it that drives this desire for oblivion? I wish I bloody knew the answer to that one. I could make a mint.

Earlier I was thinking about those pills I stashed away. Wondering how many it would take to float off for a while. Seems my desire for oblivion is far from dead. Shit. I thought I was getting better at this sobriety lark. Must go and flush those tablets away. It's not safe for me to have them here. I'd forgotten how sneaky that part of my mind is. Stashed them away against recurrence of back pain but I can always go to the doctor to get more if the need arises. This isn't need, this is want. Big difference.

Self pity is sooo unattractive don't you find? (shrug) Yeah well, me too. Funny day in my head. Got the 6 month blues I guess. Most days I can work up some gratitude ... some days it even happens spontaneously. Springs from a good place within. It feels real and right in a way that drugs never did. I love those days. That's the way it goes. Up and down. Hey ho ... one day at a time as they say.


  1. there really is a 6 month blues i think. might be worth googling it. do get shot of the tablets, mrs jos. hugs.

  2. ♫If you strike the match, you're bound to feel the flame...♫

    Consequences are a bitch. They also reign us in. Your honesty in all this is what will save you Citrus. Writing it out, being real with it, owning it. You know I walk the edge of this thing. I can leave it, but I don't...I would the minute it changes me into my Mother. Ha!

    Yes. I think milestones are risky business. One is taken to either celebratory abandon, or pity party rationalization. Cling to that personal best part. Don't minimize it. I'm proud of your effort Jos, and as always I love you no matter what.


  3. It's good to see this side of addiction. I was married to an alcoholic, my son's father is an alcoholic, I grew up with an alcoholic brother in law, much older than me and he lived with us for awhile. I also cared for his children when he was too drunk to care. It has left a bitter taste in my mouth.

    I'm finding myself very angry right now with my soon to be ex husband, angry that he has never apologized for all the shit he put me through when he was drunk, never made amends.

    So I guess that's my two bits. Did I mention I was bitter and angry today? :)

    Congrats on your six months. I can't even imagine how hard it must be. Although I have felt that need for something, anything to stop the pain of life. The little voice inside my head doesn't tell me to drink, it tells me to kills myself. Not much difference I suppose.

    Pain is pain, we just try different things to stop it. Take care woman.

  4. Hi Jos, it's me :) this is quite the piece of writing. I do read humor in it. Let the humor pull us through! xxx

  5. You are awesome Jos, nice piece of writing from the heart. You are doing well, 6 months is awesome, congrats.

    I found in me it was never the drink or the drugs, it was my life that wanted to consume, once I had worked enough on that, the drink and the drugs, they just went away.



  6. Hello Joker. Done. Silly me, it's not like I'm unaware of this particular wrinkle in my mind-set. Have googled and you're right!(Well duh, of course you are) very helpful analysis pointing out that this is where the hard yards actually start. SHould be fun then. No seriously, it helped a lot. [[Hugs]]

    Annie you're right too! (I have some bloody smart friends). I will focus on the positives. Love you too Annie, no matter what.

    Deb one of the things that has humbled me more than anything about being in recovery is how forgiving my friends have been (on the whole). With very few exceptions they have shown incredible grace. Apologising wasn't hard for me but making ammends is taking some time. That's as it should be.

    Drinkers are the most selfish people on the planet whilst caught in the web of addiction. No doubt about it. I feel no pride in making the attempt to break free, it is something I should have done long ago and worked harder at. What I feel predominately is shame. In time I hope it will diminish. It's such a far reaching mistake to have made so no wonder it is taking time to unpick the parts woven more deeply than it seemed at first.

    I hope in time you will let go of the bitterness Deb. Not because he deserves it but because I can't help thinking that it hurts you much more than it ever can hurt him.

    Joz!!! I see you!!! I'm glad you see the humour. It is there ... somewhere.

    Ah Paul. We're a funny lot aren't we? I've learnt so much from reading your blog mate. No rushing this time. I'm not going to run before consolidating my walking skills like before. Patience takes a long time to learn ... which still makes me smile in a way. xx Jos

  7. Jos, I think it is okay to be blue, it is way better than drinking that drink, don't ya think?
    You are wise to see that you can't drink and I am glad you are tossing the pills. I am so proud of you. Sometimes life just sucks and it is okay, no need to push it away, just walk through it. I know you can. I am here, day or night and I love you dear Joss. xoxo

  8. Thank you for your kindness. I came back today because I think what I wrote was so harsh. I have my own addictions that keep me busy, they just don't include alcohol. I am bitter right now and angry that he won't talk to me about his drinking or anything else really. He left a book here on the weekend about sexual addiction which hurt me as well. I'm trying so hard to play nice until our house is empty and the divorce final but it's difficult and the anger I would like to express to him leaks out sideways and spills onto the blogs of others. I'm sorry.

    I am truly happy that you are sober six months and I have no idea how difficult that must be.

  9. I echo Annie - you are brave and make your friends proud. Not easy - nope. But is anything worth having easy? nope again.
    But I am thinking of you and holding my thumb so that you can have continued strength. Be well, and be good to you.

  10. Holy Crap. Jos. I had no idea. And I pride myself on being able to smell my own. Damn. Well, howdy sister. Big Hug. I'm coming up on 18 months, the 22nd of this month (again, as I've had several periods of clean time). Shit. Hang on woman. It gets better. Then it gets worse. Then it gets better again. (You know that!) xoxoxoxoxox Huge Hugs.