I want

I want a drink
not a skinful
but a wine rack full
and I've walked up to it
looked at my old foes
rows of shiny bottles
of liquid magic carpet
that could fly me away
from everything here

I want an escape
from this moment
to a whole new lifetime
so I can relearn
what it means to be me
and how to accept it
perhaps I can walk there
or wade in and swim
down this river of tears

I want to know
where there is
what there looks like
whether I will be happier
in the land of there
altered reality
seems far preferable
to having to bear
not believing in there

I want something more
without a clue
what it looks like
and so how
can I describe it to you
and how can I hope
for your understanding
when I don't understand
any of this either

Shall we instead
sit on the magic carpet
and hold one another
in a last bid
to reach inside the other
to find what was once
more than enough
or shall I hold your hand
and then let it go

I want to tear myself in two
that's what I want
so I can have it all
except then
I would only be part
of the whole
there seems little point
in crying
over half measures


  1. Oh, Jos. I wish so much I could be there to help, a shoulder to lean on, a hug. All I can do is send love from far away and hope that it is enough. I am here by phone even if it costs a fortune. Call on me if you need me, email me.
    I love you. Giant hugs. xoxo

  2. We all have our ways of flying away, escaping those feelings that threaten to overwhelm. It's a beautiful, sad, honest poem.

    I'm only learning now how to sit still when it hurts beyond what I think I can endure.

    Sending a hug.

  3. As Lilith wisely said, "We all have our ways of flying away, escaping those feelings that threaten to overwhelm." But for me, sitting still hurts far too much - I need to move - to run, to walk, to work out - anything physical helps to lesses the mental anguish...

    My heart goes out to you, dear Jos. Having gone through this - I would not wish it on anyone.
    But, keep writing - keep talking to your blogging family. We are here - and will always be. Love - its' desires, its' consquences, its' pain, its' joy. - is what means the most.
    Music-wise- listen to Ralph Vaughn Williams "The Lark Ascending"....

    ALWAYS here for you....


    ♥ Robin ♥

  4. jos, hope you held off the juice - it never helps folks like us. many hugs and much love.

  5. So many ways we want to escape and find the answers..If we could fly away, I promise you I would be sitting beside you. For now just find it inside of your self..Strength you have it.

  6. this poem is phenomenal.

    stay in the moment,
    stay in the moment
    long enough to get clear headed
    about what you know
    and what you need.

    i've found the worse part is just before you turn the corner. you know what you've left but not where you'll land. all you can do is trust, which is doing all you need to do.

    love always, jos