Wandering off

I turned my back upon myself
or rather on the me I want to be
I told myself the same old lies
just want a bit of shade I said
I won't wander off too far
then I did just as I knew I would

I turned my back upon the open skies
I walked towards the forest's edge
I looked, paused, then looked again
and then I ran into it's dark heart
seeking in it's black inky depths
the solace of temporary oblivion

What kind of madness is this
to pour pain upon yet more pain
do I honour myself so poorly still
it seems so, for I do not stop
not until awareness steals off
leaving me prone on the forest floor

And on awakening what do I find
wreckage all around and within
the me I have once again become
the one I'd hoped to leave behind
have I still so little resolve
that at every turn I turn and flee

Where then is my belief in hope
so frail it blows away in the wind
like the seeds on a dandelion head
delicate parachutes drifting by
is this how I determine my course
by following breezes fickle breath

I knew of your impending death
prepared for sadness to part company
leaving only grief in it's place
is this how I honour your memory
this is not what you would want
and yet somehow this is how I am.