The pact

How can I tell you, after so many years of silence
might it not shake what we have to it's very core
undermine your belief in us, our sound foundation
can you separate this one thing out from the whole
accept that in all other regards things are good

More than good, that having you here in my life
enriches me beyond anything I ever imagined
my love, when I say I love you it's no small word
it is a form of surrender, a total giving of myself
to the point where I try to give more than I can

And therein lies the problem we come to here
if I tell you that I sometimes dread your touch
that will hurt you in a way I have no right to do
the hurt lies within me, this ancient damage done
years of being taken from make it hard to give

How I wish I could travel back to those early days
I should have told you more, given you reasons
but trust is slowly built and secrets easily kept
the passage of time creates a sacredness in silence
where keeping the pact is an act of faith in itself

That by my silence and continuing endeavour
all will be well, giving will become second nature
but time is passing and the ease is not there
if it were a matter of sheer will, I would
without hesitation I would welcome your touch

I love you my love, I do with my whole heart
will you believe such words, will the years count
faithful committed years, trying always trying
or will it be that if I open this door, let you see
that you will withdraw once more from me

And might that in itself solve the problem
could your absence create the longing not there
I fear not, for you have been long absent before
many months pass at times without touch
whilst you wrestle the dark waves of despair

I ponder this question from time to time
trying to tease out a way forward without hurt
seeing this tangled web of needs as yet un-met
I see trust in us in your eyes and I value that
above any need to break my long kept pact