The shadows

Can I tell you something
do you want to know
what it was like
have you ever been scared
I mean wet yourself scared
shaking uncontrollably scared
wishing you were dead scared

That's what it was like
making desperate deals with God
promising everlasting goodness
a lifetime in the nunnery
a life of pious prayerfulness
of doing only good deeds
gladly repaying an eternal debt

Didn't fuckin' work though did it
prayers so earnestly prayed
and for what, to what end
did it stop the monster man
hold back his evil desires
no, my prayers did not suffice
and so what became the sacrifice

A life lived amongst the shadows
an endless quest to heal
a hope against hope
that all will eventually be well
that striving is not a waste of time
that prayers might yet yield
a solution, a final way to heal

My memories are hard to deal with
the pictures, sounds, feelings
the shame, which I know shouldn't be
but how do you tell a small girl
that the secrets she keeps are wrong
that the pain she feels is real
she is not quite a woman just yet

I'll tell you what it was like
it was terrifying, knee trembling
want-to-run-away-from-this fying
this man knew what he was doing
knew what he was taking
fumbling with his zipper
such a strange expression dead eyes

And then in and on, thrusting now
but I'm mostly gone into the cloud room
where this can not hurt me
the monster man has his way
whilst I'm gone from this moment
in my own place where I can play
where fear is but a heart beat away

How can I hold that young girl
reach back through time with comfort
saying even monsters die in the end
and when they do it's the time
to put aside forever guilt and shame
learn again to hold tight my gentle man
who hears no whispers in my embrace


  1. Oh sweetheart. I wish I knew. I wish I could time travel back and fight that demon with you. Maybe, the best we can do is remind that young girl that she did everything right. How do I know, because she survived it. She is hear to write it down. She is so damn beautiful brave.

    I'm sorry.

  2. I am so sorry that this happened. I am so sorry that the little girl was too small and too little to do anything.

    But the little girl did do something, she did everything that she could. She was a brave little girl and went away to the clouds.

    I am sorry that this happened.

    And I truly wish, really and truly, that those fuckers who do this to little girls and boys could rot for all of their days.

    Love Renee xoxo