A Year Goes By

John (14 September 1930 - 11 August 2022)

My favourite photo of John, laughing with my niece at a birthday party just over 4 years ago.

 I’ve been blessed in my life to have known two fathers. The first my Dad, a man I knew only really as a child since he left our family when I was still quite young. And then when we emigrated across the ocean, distance became both physical and emotional … a distance that we never quite bridged despite goodwill on both sides. I’ll always remember the father of my childhood as a fiery man who loved to tell a story. Despite battling his demons and never quite succeeding I hold his memory dear to my heart.

And then there’s John. A man who knew a thing or two about how to be a father to a daughter who’d already left home by the time he became my step-dad. Never pushy, always encouraging and always there if ever I needed him. A man with great instincts on how to build and sustain relationships with adult children who’d had a pretty chequered past when it came to relationships, trust and all that good stuff.

It’s coming up for 2 years since Dad died, such a sad loss made even harder because the pandemic travel restrictions meant we could not travel to see him in his last days nor to honour him at his funeral. But I can’t pretend that I felt his loss as deeply as might otherwise have been expected.

I guess I’ve mostly got only childhood memories of Dad whereas I’ve had decades of being close to John. So many happy times to look back on. Not so much over the last few years … just a lot of sitting with him chatting and reminiscing as he grew frailer and more ill. I learnt the value of turning up, being that person who can be relied upon to honour a promise made to my mum, and a determination to be the kind of daughter he deserved. 

I will always hold you in my heart John, thank you for being my second dad. I hope you are up there in heaven now living it up and partying with Marce and your brothers. You’ve earned your wings at last.

                                                                    🌀🌀🌀

I wrote this last year. I can’t believe it’s over a year now since we said goodbye to John. A lot has happened in that year. Things have come to light that have changed my view of the relationship I thought John and I had … and the nature of family where some are bound by blood whilst others are not. It’s hard to learn that someone you loved and trusted … and love still, has taken advantage and been deeply dishonest with you.

But then I remember just how many times I’ve been less than truthful with people who’ve every right to trust in my truthfulness. During my drinking days in particular but before … and to a degree after as well. I guess truthfulness isn’t a straightforward thing. 

Fundamentally I’m in no position to judge anyone else’s choices in life. I can’t help feeling hurt by what’s come to light but at the end of the day I’ve still had the benefit of having had many good times with someone I loved and trusted. I will miss feeling the way I did as I remember John.