Storms blow

If I respond to the intensity and immediacy of my emotional state
am I doomed to repeat every mistake I have ever regretted making
might I find that regret itself becomes a perpetual state of being
so much so that I become unable to distinguish worth from worthless
for such is the worthlessness of regret that it comes full circle
masquerading as stepping stones along the path towards wisdom

Instead I might rage against the idiocy that resides inside my own mind
unleashing upon it the scorn of a knowledge hard won but fragile still
in that the things we know are not synonymous with the things we feel
and into that apparent paradox comes the thorny question of will
will I do what I want in the moment or what I want in the longer term
can I build up my resistance to the former in favour of the latter

In the process of doing so do I not run the risk of losing all spontaneity
as if this were a characteristic I have ever been capable of hitherto
risk taking is not of my nature but neither is courage and yet I want
oh yes I want, but I do not want that which what I want means
in a world without consequences freedom itself becomes meaningless
but then so too does responding to the immediacy of what I feel

Instead shall I wait it out, letting these things pass in the way
that all such things however intense and demanding eventually do
shall I instead seek some solace in the diversions of doing
there are other things besides doing but I know not how they work
and in trying to work out how they work all I succeed in doing
is reminding myself of the futility of a rage otherwise unexpressed

All storms blow themselves out if you give them enough time
the trick is to understand that we are always and without fail
far more resilient than we ever give ourselves credit for
at times it can feel like failure just to feel the way that we feel
to weep at nothing more consequential than an inability
to work out that there are some things I just can't work out.


  1. jos, so much deeply said in this poem. i've read it a few times and i understand. i've been thinking that regret is not the same as guilt, or shame, and it's important to know that.

    and i've been thinking that the body, heart, mind can only stay stuck for so long. there is a high(er) cost to dwell in an unhappy place. i know, i know, taking risks and choosing change has its own risks. i know, i know that consequences have babies (i tell my teenage clients that!). what's the value in looking at the same sad canvass over and over? i don't mean to say that contemplation is not necessary, but sometimes i think the path is clear even though the knees are knocking like hell. i don't say any of this pretending that i know what is best. i don't. but i think you do.

    you are a wonderful person. no weighty review of that needed.

    love always,

  2. Diversions of doing. Do you ever wonder what answers we might come up with if we sat still in our own shadow for a couple of days...weeks...a month? Could we even? I wonder Jos, for I am very busy doing. It is all motion to stop the mind from where it needs to go.

    Love you Citrus.

  3. i love that ms wine and words calls you citrus...


  4. the first two lines of this post reaked of me... lol. this is me! I get it. as always, you rock!

  5. I believe that in time of crisis we should cultivate stillness. Oh, it wasn't always like this and I am a fortunate cookie in that I have learned that the price always appeared to be a bit steep for what I got in return before realizing this.

    So now I quiet the desire to strike back with some clever response or an irate one and look at the whole thing as some fattening experience that would ruin for certain the new image I have of myself. I don't really care about the image others have of me, as someone said "in the end everything will be alright and if its not alright is not the end". I don't have to live with them but I most certainly have to live with me. I want to keep on liking the old lady I have become, I am as good as I am, that is how good I am, as Alice would say.

    Be well and Happy Christmas if we don't visit each other before then again.

  6. I thought you would get a charge of the word verification: persestr. Ha!

  7. that you now have dar williams; 'iowa' for your own makes my heart do cartwheels.

    you honor me, jos. that's how it feels.
    love & love'

  8. That is so beautiful, the storms we all struggle with. How beautiful your imaginary. During the night the stars, during the day i will watch the clouds.
    Jos thank you for your offer! if you have one (the star card)laying around without being used, yes,i would love to have it, but don't buy a new one, i am of the believe that everything we need is already there :)