I think you wrote eloquently what we all fee at times. Yes, I think I have to start from where I am right now, work backward, move forward. Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts.
jos, in this little house there are 2 lurchers and 3 people who think you are very much worth loving, and just up the road is a hairy horse who thinks the same.
If you are not worth loving, neither am I. Truly.
The trick is to learn to love yourself. It is possible, to love yourself, to be kind to yourself, to forgive yourself. I have fucked my life up well and good more than once and I learned how to love myself. We don't have to be perfect to be loved. Check out this poem by Mary OliverWild GeeseYou do not have to be good.You do not have to walk on your kneesfor a hundred miles through the desert repenting.You only have to let the soft animal of your bodylove what it loves.Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.Meanwhile the world goes on.Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rainare moving across the landscapes,over the prairies and the deep trees,the mountains and the rivers.Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,are heading home again.Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,the world offers itself to your imagination,calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting over and over announcing your placein the family of things.Because you exist, you matter.
Bull! Naah!Whaat?Okay jos, do you mind, i am shaking your shoulders. With both hands!I am a counselor :-) bathe in this belief for another dip or two but then let it fall to the depths of the sea never to steer again.I look serious, can you tell? xoxo
Jos, I love you, so you ARE loveable! And my lurcher will love you when you come visit, because you will :-). I like what KJ said. I too am shaking your shoulders :-). I do understand feeling not loveable though, I have days like that, but it is never true for me and it is not true for you. Call me if you are low, I am home and still working on Skype, we both need special headphones, more later. I LOVE YOU! A zillion hugs, Annie xoxoP.S. Mim showed me how to leave comments here even if blogger is a mess.
I undertand it. I know how they will try and talk us down from this ledge...how they will congregate on the sidewalk below with their hands over their mouths in mock surprise and fear. The well intenders that will sing the praise of our worth and tell us how f*cking lovable we are.But you and I know there are parts that...dare I say it to you...only God could love. There are parts that would make the crowd disperse from the sidewalk having just painted a big red target in their wake. There are parts of us that are so dark, not even mold would thrive.It is a perspective Jos, that not many dare see. It is a perspective that requires your ass in the wind. It is a true perspective as I see it, which makes me love you all the more, and even myself, for the transparency of it. Sometimes we just don't feel lovable, because we just can't love ourselves.If I could love you enough for both of us...if that would make things different...well...in a heartbeat I would - easily.