Just today

I wonder if it is true that when we think back on things we've done ... things we find hard to comprehend in terms of our own behaviour, we fall prey to the temptation to re-invent history.

We re-cast ourselves as victims in scenarios where perhaps we were far more complicit than we'd like to admit ... and re-cast ourselves as heroes in scenarios where our behaviour fell very short of that mark ... and then if all that feels more comfortable we decide that that is what actually happened after all.

Am I the only one that does this? I hope so ... or maybe I hope not because then I'll know that it's not so unusual. Just another human failing. Ho hum.

If we can't undo what's done we can at least learn to be more honest with ourselves over what's gone on. Not with the intention of re-hashing old ground, nor with the intention of giving ourselves unnecessary grief over mistakes made, but to see if there are lessons to be learnt.

I guess it's part of taking ownership ... a phrase I've come to hate because of it's over-use in my workplace. Task ownership is the latest greatest buzz word bandied about at work ... our new corporate cult demanding of us all that we sing from it's hymn sheet. I sing off key at the best of times and never more so than when subjected to coercion.

Sometimes I feel deeply uncomfortable about things I've said and done. I am glad that my moral compass appears to be re-aligning itself towards values I recognise as being sustainable. I wish it were easier to forgive myself for letting it become so badly mis-aligned. I always knew better even when I didn't do better.

Recovery is an exhausting process, particularly in the early stages. It's a roller coaster of emotions, feeling kind of OK one day and then totally not OK the next. Some days I can't believe how hard it is. At times like this I recognise all over again how prone I am to turning and running away rather than face difficult truths. It's easy to forget to rationalise your thought processes when your brain is screaming nonsense at you.

And then I remember. Just today. I only have to do the work of one day today. Thank goodness for that!


  1. I have a favorite saying, "You can only make the most of what the day puts in front of you." In other words, each moment builds into minutes, hours, and becomes a day. There is no changing that day, so you take the next one put in front of you and make the best of it, one day at a time.

    It takes courage to live in the moment and not look back or worry the future. Your doing wonderful! (Hugs)Indigo

  2. I'm prone to turning and running away as well. It's just hard.

  3. You are just human sweetie. You are one of the most honest and bravest people I know. One day at a time is all any of us can do and it is normal to have good days and bad. Keep up the good work. Baby steps. Love and hugs. Did you get your package yet? xoxo

  4. My Marion gave me a necklace I hardly ever take off. It says "Every day is day one." We start fresh every single day. You are doing marvelously well. Of course we would like to rewrite history. Oh, but the lessons we would lose, and just have to relearn!

    Love you Citrus.

  5. I am slowly getting to know a little bit about the compadres who follow my blog, and that's what brought me here today. I've been sick, and so all the tasks that are normally so important have been suspended. I'm glad to meet you. More than 100 days sober and exactly where you ought to be, friend Jos. Powerless except in the eyes of a five year old. This day is the most important day I have. In it, my heart beats. Not in yesterday. Not in tomorrow. Only here and now does it beat. We get to be the best "me" we can be today. For me, that happens to be both sick and powerless. Sometimes the best I can do is thank God I'm not dead! Your journey of sobriety may be the biggest adventure of your life...it has been for me. Taking ownership of my life (that overused phrase) has freed me from ever being a victim again. May you laugh and see the light in someone's eyes today.
    Chris of Enchanted Oak

  6. jos, i am lost and uncertain sometimes, for sure, but i am no victim. i have learned that much. and i know this is true for you too. i always try to ask myself, 'what is the lesson here?'

    it's not that i don't have regrets, but i don't want alot of them. and sometimes what i or others might judge as wrong or selfish, i know i did the best i could at the time.

    i am so grateful for your honesty jos. xoxo

  7. Hi :) i didn't feel OK today, i have always had many days like that. My mother told me i was like that as a little kid, i was either very happy or i was totally not :) aggghr like you, i am going to overcome that you know.
    How i tell my story though is maybe different, i don't feel a victim or a hero, for me it's just i feel good or not :) sometimes i feel good but things are not, sometimes things are good, but i am not.....
    we are all on a path, indeed one day at the time
    thanks for this

  8. Jos,your an old soul questioning all your actions. Nanci Danison says it's a good thing to think about all the things we do. I thought I was nuts doing this. After Listening to Nanci I felt releived. Maybe it's a good thing to put all rights to wrongs before we have a life review and regret not trying. I'm not sure,totally!
    Is there an end to learning deeper, do we suddenly one day say "enough, I just want to be the old ignorant me"! I use to be this way. Fighting against my mind. Now I'm glad some part as won. Not sure which,lol!
    I'm sending you loads of love, I found your post really deep and meaningful. Something I've not read questioning like this. Your really on something here. I was gazing into your post of a person that was open so much and felt alot of admiration for you!