Hoping for a better past

It's not that often that something
changes in a fundamental way
the way I think on things generally
but have a read of these simple words
are you still hoping for a better past?

Oh my word well yes sir I still am
and now you come to say it like that
I see in a way I just couldn't before
how bloody ridiculous such wishing is
but where does it leave me (you) now?

I guess I'd have to say thinking again
no, not experiencing past pain afresh
thinking again on the nature of hope
a way to leave it all behind, move on
to a life without the burden of regret

Now that I have finally come to realise
each re-visit has this wish contained
an impossible dream, a different result
and yet I am so almost whole, even so
so why do I nurture the fractures then?

Is it a form of lazy narcissism at play
wallowing in pain used as an excuse
for not appreciating what's here, now
when what I feel now is so unworthy
to just enjoy ... to even to feel ... joy.