The hardest thing I have ever done?
that is one of the things I love
and also so hate about you sometimes
you ask questions that demand answers
well, the hardest thing I have ever done
is to admit that I need some help.
Doesn't sound all that much does it
but admitting this leads to asking
and asking requires some trusting
which I learnt long ago is no game
to be played lightly in any sense
except I know I'm being way too serious.
I would love to have your lightness
your gentle way of saying hard things
without any hint of hurt or intensity
but still with full meaning and import
and yet in some ways I wonder about it
we protect our hearts in such myriad ways.
When first learning how to trust again
I was indiscriminate, not trusting myself
that my instincts knew what I did not
but time does it's own work even here
tempering my fear whilst inching me on
to the point where I see the point of trust.
So I stopped running and faced my fear
finding that on inspection, with help
some fears diminish in ways unimagined
that trust unlocks doors which on opening
yield their own rewards, to brave souls
who offer help and to those who accept too.
They say that fair exchange is no robbery
but what have I to offer from my meagre store
some paltry wisdom gained umpteenth hand
and isn't that where I've been going wrong
that all along I knew, but still didn't know it
I just needed some help to let me see that.
So what did I learn in my quest to trust
that some processes have no defined end
that backward steps can still be progress
that learning from pain doesn't heal it
that loneliness comes from not trusting
and finally that some risks are worth taking.