Secrets and sickness



You wouldn't think that something as innocuous as secrets could make you sick ... or keep you sick. It seems totally counter-intuitive somehow as oftentimes we tell ourselves that secrets harm no-one and particularly those told in a bid to keep loved ones from being hurt or harmed.

So secrets told in a bid to protect from hurt or harm are if not OK then at least somewhat justifable, but what about others? What about those told for reasons to do with deeper darker motives? We are none of us perfect are we?

Maybe it's the magnitude that makes the difference ... or the motivation. T'is a tricky subject matter.

Does the keeping of secrets make one less well? What about collusion in the keeping of secrets ... that done by the avoidance of asking questions ... or the careful scripting of conversations to skirt around "difficult topics". Vagueness ... I have become adept at vagueness.

Today I listened to someone talk about their secrets and how those secrets had kept them trapped in a cycle of lies and deception. It made me think about how my own secrets weigh me down at times. And then I started wondering which came first ... the lies or the secrets ... for most assuredly those two go hand in hand ... cemented as they are in fear.

My heart is heavy with the witnessing of my mothers slow lingering deterioration. I think perhaps I am rumminating on the negatives as a result. So many secrets and lies from those early years have come back to the surface ... with my mothers' passing will they too pass I wonder?

And then mum and I were chatting the other day and it became clear to me that some of the things I thought were secrets were not in fact secrets at all ... that somehow I had missed the moment of revelation or misunderstood altogether .... which of course is how it is because I have always misunderstood pretty much everything from a very early age. I am quite angry about that.

I wish I knew what one is supposed to do with feelings of anger. I wish I knew a safe way to deal with it without causing hurt to anyone, including myself.

3 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this sorrow & suffering, Jos. I know that my own Mom's generation is very secretive. My Mom is in her 80's and she just mentioned a few years ago that she had a 3 year old sister who died from being burned by a wood heater. Neither she, nor my 4 aunts had ever mentioned this! I think it's so sad...but that maybe it's a generational thing. When I asked her about this, she said, "We can't change the past, so why even talk about it?" :-( Sending you love & hugs. xo

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  2. I have discovered something about myself in the past couple of years. I wasn't so much angry my whole life, as I was sad my whole life. I used anger the protect myself much like an alcoholic uses alcohol to number, I used anger. I learned that one from my dad. And secrets, they have a lot of power. Take care woman.

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  3. Jos, Anger is a hard one, I have not figured it out yet either, but it has helped me to write out my anger in a journal, and then burn the pages.
    We all carry secrets, but I only have a few at this point in my life and I don't have to lie about it, I simply don't talk about it, too personal. I did learn something though, when my mom died her secrets came out as we all talked and remembered things. So eventually your secrets will be outed one way or the other. But guess what? We still love her. I am sorry you have secrets you feel you cannot tell, but we are all human and I think you should forgive yourself. Sending love and grace during this time with your mum. xoxo

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